TIMISKAMING DISTRICT, ON – Deep in the Ontario wilderness, Premier Doug Ford believes he’s nearly found all the items to complete Conservative leader Andrew Scheer’s elaborate game to keep the Ontario leader out of the press during the federal election.
For over a month, Ford crisscrossed his province following clues set out by his conservative counterpart, which the Premier thinks will lead to “a big prize.”
“I don’t know what the surprise will be, but it must be pretty big,” said Ford in a swamp after accidentally stepping on an endangered turtle’s eggs. “Andrew went at great lengths to design this for me, so I better finish it.”
All of the riddles to the next location have been cleverly placed in empty Buck-a-Beer bottles, symbolic of Ford’s only achievement as Premier that lasted for a few weeks.
“What plays a sad trombone when you cut it?” said Ford reading the clue. “Well, that could be anything, and quite frankly everything. I’ve cut so many things. Education? Autistic children? Musical health care? Gosh, this is hard.”
Ford was stumped like the 50 Million Tree Program he cut. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t remember all of the provincial cuts to funding he made like legal aid, teachers, and public health.
“What about the $8 million you cut from the Ontario Music Fund?” suggested his bur-covered political aid. “The next clue is probably at Roy Thompson Hall!”
The populist leader sprang up and praised the youngster before jumping into their customized Premier van with wide-screen TV.
Meanwhile, party insiders said Doug Ford was not needed on the campaign trail since Andrew Scheer was ruining the Conservative Party’s chances all by himself.
