TORONTO – According to reports, Stephanie McGrath’s laptop simply can’t keep up with her late nights, most often consisting of google searches such as “Tilda Swinton how old” and Buzzfeed quizzes to find out which type of mustard she is.
“I would perhaps be more understanding if she was burning the midnight oil finishing an assignment” stated the Macbook. “But she’s usually just watching compilations of dogs welcoming soldiers home or her middle school enemy’s wedding video.”
“Doesn’t she know I need 6-8 hours of sleep a night?”
McGrath’s 2012 MacBook Pro voiced its bitterness for McGrath’s 3am nights today, following years of senseless late hours of youtube spirals watching things like Dr. Pimple Popper videos or Bette Midler’s 1976 Live at Last Tour.
The MacBook went on to say, “I’m not as young as I used to be, the life-span of a laptop is generally 6-8 years and I’m hitting my sundown phase. I just don’t have the stamina, or the battery life, for that matter, to handle these constant late nights refreshing the same three social apps over and over. Plus I’m slowed by thousands of pictures of her weird cat and the entire Black Keys discography, which I know she’ll never listen to again. ”
“I even called in a favour with Netflix,” stated the laptop who asked the streaming service to prematurely interrupt her viewing with the, “Are you still watching?” prompt, just to get her to consider falling asleep. Unfortunately, McGrath clicked yes and powered on.
McGraths laptop was under the impression that it would be spending its retirement years growing old with its viruses and maybe being used to store old porn, not listening to McGrath state, “Just one more video, then I’ll go to bed” over and over into the wee hours of the night.
According to the MacBook, its hours are so long it often gets piping hot and it whirs loudly in protest but McGrath ignores these signs of overuse and continues mindlessly googling, “Tilda Swinton location?” and “Avril Lavigne conspiracy theory 2019.”
At press time, McGrath was thinking about getting a new MacBook in order to increase her productivity.