COBURG, ON — After cutting employee benefits and paid breaks, the heirs to the Tim Hortons fortune are encouraging their minimum wage employees to make up the lost earnings by inheriting mu…
Tag: Starbucks
Whitehorse grandfather from 2075 regales grandchildren about surviving with only 2 Starbucks locations
GREATER WHISTLE BEND AREA – An 88-year-old grandfather recounted another harrowing tale of survival when the fledgling Yukon capital only had a mere two Starbucks locations. “Back in my day…
Woman who actually finishes screenplay in coffee shop immediately spills coffee on laptop
VANCOUVER- For the first time in coffee shop history, a local woman, Sandra Carins, 26, actually completed a screenplay, one she had been working on for the past six years, only to immediately kn…
Whitehorse RCMP riot squad deployed to Save-On-Foods opening to quell artisanal bread-related violence
WHITEHORSE – Two dozen RCMP officers wearing heavy riot gear were deployed to the bakery section of the newly opened Save-On-Foods after shoppers became violent over their claims to the las…
Tim Hortons launches answer to Unicorn Frappuccino: a cup of neon paint
OAKVILLE, ON – Releasing it hot on the heels of Starbucks’ multi-coloured Unicorn Frappuccino, Tim Hortons has announced its own Instagram-ready drink: a cup filled with neon paint. T…
Fervent acolytes await prophesied return of Pumpkin Spice Latte
WINNIPEG – Deep beneath the earth in an adjunct conference room of Buhler Industries Inc, a clandestine group of extremely white disciples eagerly awaits the earthly rebirth of their most s…
Starbucks opens first ever franchise inside Dave
PETERBOROUGH – After a long fought battle, multinational corporation Starbucks has finally completed construction on a franchise located inside Dave, a Peterborough man. “Dave was a tough m…
Skills from calligraphy degree applied on Starbucks cup
ST CATHARINES – Local Starbucks barista Janine Avalos has finally been able to put her four years of post-secondary education to good use by applying it to a variety of Starbucks disposable…
Bernie Sanders supporters furious that cat food commercial fails to mention Bernie Sanders
Supporters of democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders have declared all-out online warfare against Purina One Smartblend cat food after their new commercial “utterly neglected” to make a…
Man buys $30 book on how to save money
KELOWNA – After years of overspending and struggling to maintain a budget, local man Miles Kirkpatrick has decided to buckle down and get serious about things by buying Dollars and Sense: K…