WINNIPEG – Deep beneath the earth in an adjunct conference room of Buhler Industries Inc, a clandestine group of extremely white disciples eagerly awaits the earthly rebirth of their most sacred totem, Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte.
“We prostrate ourselves in uncaffeinated fealty, so that we may hasten the glorious resurrection of our immaculate and steamed ambrosia,” chanted Diane Fields, high priestess of the Cult of the Harvest Brew, and Buhler Inc VP of Marketing. “Once The Beverage has returned to us, its devoted acolytes, then shall we imbibe of its righteous warmth, possibly on a nice walk with a sweater.”
“With a sweater,” the various hooded figures responded in unison.
Rumours of the Cult of the Harvest Brew have spread across North America, gaining in strength each year with the regular unveiling of the popular autumn beverage. This year the pumpkin spice sect observes an unholy mass, worshipping their most sacred parchment – a Starbucks promotional flyer reading ‘FALL back in love with your favourite treats!’
The Cult of the Harvest Brew’s describes their aims as thus: to evangelize of the Pumpkin Spice Latte to all friends and coworkers, even and especially if they claim to be “not that into pumpkin” to devotedly count down the days until The Beverage is once again commercially available, loudly and to anyone who will listen to smite all false prophets who would market graven beverages, namely the infidel Second Cup with their imitation Pumpkin Spice Hot Espresso Drink.
“It has returned before, and it shall return again,” assured High Priestess Fields to her profane brotherhood. “At the appointed hour, all non-believers shall perish in a boiling flood of steamed 2% milk! In nomine Pumkpin, et Filter, et Spiritus Spicy!”
“I started out as just a casual fan of the Pumpkin Spice Latte, but soon its rich flavours and whipped cream topping revealed to me a deeper truth,” explained cult member and graphic designer Jared Marks, 36. Marks revealed that he also enjoys Starbucks’ Vanilla Bean Frappuccino, though his devotion to the Pumpkin Spice Latte has informed his decision to be set ablaze on a pyre of artificial pumpkin flavouring and cartons of milk.
“As I have consumed the holiest of beverages, so shall it now consume me, for the glory of Pumpkin!” At press time, the Starbucks Corporation was asking “pumpkin weirdos” to stop leaving rotting pumpkins outside their stores’ entrances as “offerings”.
Photo: Flickr.com / niseag03 (CC BY SA 2.0)