WHITEHORSE – Two dozen RCMP officers wearing heavy riot gear were deployed to the bakery section of the newly opened Save-On-Foods after shoppers became violent over their claims to the last loaf of artisanal bread.
Witnesses describe the incident as “a scene from upper-middle class hell’ as more than 200 crazed shoppers all reached for what many of them believed to be the very last loaf of a crusty baguette.
“After 20 years on the force, I’ve never seen so much biting, scratching, hair pulling, and punching for bread that is $2 cheaper down the street,” explained RCMP Sgt. Laura Marco shaking her head while standing among the debris of bread crumbs and wrappers.
Soccer moms and retired civil servants took turns tackling and beating one another to get expensive-looking staple product, which is also available almost everywhere else at a much cheaper price.
The violence quickly spread to the deli where free samples of meat and cheese became a donnybrook. Several fist-fights broke out between overzealous consumers over line cutting for expensive aged cheddar and delicious prosciutto.
“It tastes better because it’s more expensive!” yelled a man while ramming a shopping cart filled with bulk cashews, brie cheese, and figs into the crowd.
Despite the mayhem and 52 hospitalizations, many locals celebrated that fact that their town of 25,000 people north of the 60th parallel finally has two Starbucks within a 300 foot radius of each other and a third down the street.
In related news, Farmer Roberts, which prides itself on providing locally grown product, was planning its going out of business sale.