MUSKOKA, ON – A full-grown dock spider is counting the days until it gets to scurry across your unsuspecting hand, later this summer. Zoology experts report that you will likely emit a pier…
Tag: Cottage
Carney guarantees that his policies will transform Canada into four corporations in a trench coat
“It’ll be an economic miracle!” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre and Craig Fay) talk the government’s attempt to consult with Indigenous Peoples about Bill C-5 after the …
Torontonians desperate for white friends with cottages who also like seasoning on food
TORONTO – Summer is in full swing, and as is customary, multiple locals have set out to try and acquire the rarest of rare humans- a white friend with a cottage who also likes food to be ad…
Man who inherited Muskoka cottage shares opinion on land sovereignty
Muskoka, ON – Seasonal resident, David Lyons who inherited a million dollar Muskoka cottage, has an opinion on Indigenous land sovereignty. “It doesn’t make sense,” began a 60 year old Lyon…
Woman’s retirement plan crumbles after she accounts for living, laughing, but not loving
TORONTO – In a horrifying discovery yesterday, Kimberly Atkinson’s meticulously-researched retirement plans were torn apart after the 33 year-old interior designer realized that she had painstaki…
Doug Ford announces he couldn’t participate in online Pride since he was already logged onto a virtual cottage
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford explained to his constituents Monday that he was not able to participate in the online Pride Parade this weekend since he had pre-existing plans to log onto a …
Man who has barely left basement apartment in months really enjoying his rich friends’ cottage photos
TORONTO – Local man Jerome Wittels has been housebound in his 300 sq. foot basement apartment since the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown began, but says he is getting quite a lot of enjoyment see…
Study shows that most fathers simply long to be given the beat, boys
CLEVELAND, OH – After a comprehensive four decade long study, scientists at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame’s research wing have conclusively determined that most fathers value being given…
Campfire smell lingers into third day
PETERBOROUGH, ON – The distinct smell of charcoal and woodsmoke continues to linger around an Ontario family three full days after returning from a weekend camping trip. “I didn’t mind the …
Local man reconnects with cottage owning friend every year about this time
TORONTO – Local resident Michael Soplinka, 28, has once again used the month of June to get in touch with his ‘lifelong’ friend Eric Gaston, whose family happens to own a cottage on Georgia…
