MUSKOKA, ON – A full-grown dock spider is counting the days until it gets to scurry across your unsuspecting hand, later this summer.
Zoology experts report that you will likely emit a piercing shriek and flail about like an idiot, likely spilling whatever beverage you are drinking at the time.
“The only thing I love more than cracking open a fresh water beetle is the sound a human makes when I scuttle over their delicate hand,” said Rhonda, a dock spider living near a lake you’ll be visiting soon. “You can hear fear, disgust, and shame all mixed together. It’s like a fine wine.”
As Canada’s largest native arachnid, dock spiders hunt at the water’s edge, searching for insects, small fish, and exposed appendages of cottagers who are trying to unwind during a long weekend.
Females can reach nearly 10 centimetres across. “Sure, I’m big enough to cast a shadow,” said Rhonda, “but I can also sprint across this dock without making a sound – especially if you’re cranking Tragically Hip on a bluetooth speaker.”
Given the countless hiding spots in and under her dock of choice, Rhonda is confident she’ll dash across your hand when you least expect it. “Maybe it’ll be when you put a hand on the dock as you get into the canoe. Maybe I’ll get you from below when you’re climbing up the slimy dock ladder after a swim. Or maybe you’ll reach for your craft beer, and surprise, you’ve also got a handful of this eight-legged gal,” said Rhonda, her two rows of four eyes gleaming.
Rhonda’s ideal scenario? Your cowardly, desperate panic sets off a comedic chain reaction. “Someone gets hit in the butt with a paddle, a plate of hotdogs falls in the water, maybe a pedal boat capsizes – you get the idea.”
While Rhonda is confident in her ability to freak you out this summer, she admits she’s not the only player in the game.
“If somehow I don’t get you, there’s always the Large Mouth Bass under the dock who would love a taste of those toes.
