TIFF UPDATE: Severe flood cripples city core after Ryan Gosling sighted by large group of women
TORONTO – An unexplained flash flood occurring moments after Ryan Gosling exited a limousine wearing sensitive, yet masculine formalwear brought the Toronto International Film Festival to a…
Local rapper doesn’t give a fuck about bitches
RICHMOND HILL, ON – Local rapper Justin “J-Swingy” Simms announced to his circle of friends earlier this week that he did not, indeed, give a fuck about bitches. “We were just chilling at M…
Existence of nuclear waste facility under Parliament denied by Peter Kent’s left head
OTTAWA – During question period yesterday, Minister for the environment Peter Kent’s other head was once again forced to deny the existence of an illegal nuclear waste dump beneath th…
Statistical illiteracy at all-time high of 124%
OTTAWA – Statistics Canada today released the results of a damning online survey concerning Canadians’ comprehension of basic statistics. Out of 33 million Canadians, nearly 41 million Cana…
Job creators slam food critic for describing chocolate cake as ‘rich’
NEW YORK – Right-wing commentators have slammed New York Times food critic Shauna Campbell for a recent review in which she described a chocolate cake as ‘rich.’ Presidential Ca…
Rosie MacLennan ostracized for violating Olympics Canada’s No Gold Medals policy
LONDON – During the closing ceremonies to the London 2012 Olympic games earlier this month, Canada’s Olympic athletes came together to party, pose for group photos and celebrate their…
Man typecast as serial killer would literally kill for new role
TORONTO – James Holden Garrison, a moderately successful dramatic actor, has been cast in 18 television guest spots–always playing either the serial killer, or the guy everyone thinks…
Marineland CEO won’t get puppy until he proves he can take care of fish
NIAGARA FALLS, ON – Ontario’s Humane Society announced yesterday they were denying Marineland C.E.O., John Holer’s application to adopt a 2-month-old Dalmatian puppy he had planned on namin…
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