OTTAWA – Fans of the Tim Hortons Roll Up the Rim contest have been excited by a new feature that now gives them two chances to not win a car. The extra Roll Up the Rim location is part of Tim Ho...
Harold Ramis becomes world’s funniest Class 5 Free-Roaming Vapour
CHICAGO – Early yesterday morning, surrounded by family and loved ones, acclaimed comedy writer/director Harold Ramis, age 69, crossed over to officially become the spirit world’s most hilarious ghost...
If the paper boy didn’t like his bonus, he can say it to my fucking face
By Rick Powell I’ve lived on Albion Crescent for twelve years now. There are enough things to like about the neighbourhood: reasonable property taxes, plenty of green space, proximity to good sc...
Terrorists very disappointed with Olympic performance
The terrorists sent to Sochi from the northern Caucasus region of Russia, who want to establish an Islamic theocratic rule over their territory, apologized today for their lackluster performance at th...
European handball officially named world’s dirtiest sounding sport
OTTAWA – The Potential Euphemism and Non-intentional Innuendo Survey released a statement on Sunday, officially naming European handball as the world’s most suggestively named sport. “After exam...
Report: oh fuck, the patio furniture!
ETOBICOKE, ON – Yesterday, scientists reported that oh my God, the patio furniture has just been sitting out there all winter, and dammit, it’s probably at least half ruined. Reached for comment...
Olympics update: HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY
SOCHI, RUSSIA – HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOC...
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead”, claims local man who looks like shit
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Staving off sleep with endless cigarettes, energy drinks and cups of coffee, local man Jonathan Cross claims that he does not need to rest yet, despite the fact that he looks l...
4-dimensional Rubik’s Cube champion solves puzzle before it is built
WATERLOO, ON – Reigning Rubik’s Cube king Steven Blatchkist wowed judges at the 2013 World Championships yesterday by solving a 4D variant of the puzzle prior to it having been developed or thou...
