MISSISSAUGA, ON – Staving off sleep with endless cigarettes, energy drinks and cups of coffee, local man Jonathan Cross claims that he does not need to rest yet, despite the fact that he looks like he should be in a goddamn hospital.
“You guys sleep if you want,” said Cross, whose crow’s feet are now roughly the size of actual crow’s feet. “I’m just gonna push on through.”
While Cross maintains that he needs to stay up to finish a series of reports, he has spent most of the last eleven hours twitching, complaining about muscle aches, and going to the bathroom to pee every five minutes.
“I don’t understand how anybody’s supposed to get an work done around here when the lights have gone all blurry,” Cross said. “They’re making it impossible to focu . . .”
“Ah! I’m awake!” Cross added.
Despite the fact that thirty-seven hours of wakefulness have left him with barely enough strength to stand up, Cross remains firm in his position that sleep is for “the weak”.
“I don’t sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death,” said Cross, who has only managed to stay awake by consuming toxic amounts of stimulants. “I don’t want to be one of those suckers who spends a third of their lives getting enough rest for them to function properly.”
Friends and family have expressed concern that “Jesus, Jon, have you slept,” and that “merciful Christ, Jon, you look like garbage.” Sources say that Cross has responded to these concerns by staring at a blank wall for a couple of seconds before jerking suddenly to attention and asking them what it was that they just said, again.
“I’m hitting my stride,” said Cross, who has misspelled the word “the” forty-three times since six this morning. “This is way quicker than if I had just slept and done them in the morning, maybe.”
At press time, the reports were delivered late, as Cross had fallen asleep with them on the bus.
