“I’ll sleep when I’m dead”, claims local man who looks like shit

MISSISSAUGA, ON – Staving off sleep with endless cigarettes, energy drinks and cups of coffee, local man Jonathan Cross claims that he does not need to rest yet, despite the fact that he lo…

4-dimensional Rubik’s Cube champion solves puzzle before it is built

WATERLOO, ON – Reigning Rubik’s Cube king Steven Blatchkist wowed judges at the 2013 World Championships yesterday by solving a 4D variant of the puzzle prior to it having been developed or…

Man realizes barrel of monkeys more fun when monkeys not suffocated to death

ST. JOHN’S – To his chagrin, local simian enthusiast Roland Barnes has come to understand that a barrel filled with monkeys is much more fun when the monkeys haven’t died from an acut…

Police dog suspended after profiling several cats

TORONTO – A member of Toronto’s Police Dog services unit has been given a two week suspension with kibbles after being accused of species-profiling several neighbourhood cats. When Internal…

Man who doesn’t care about sports heroically boycotts Sochi Olympics

VICTORIA, B.C. – Striking a self-sacrificing blow for international gay rights, local non-sports fan Jamie Donaldson has been refusing to watch the Sochi Olympics. “It’s been really difficu…

International Olympic Committee admits there are no real rules to Curling

SOCHI – A controversial call during a recent match has revealed that nobody in the world actually knows what is up with Curling. What began as a simple inquiry about whether or not “offside” was …

Stereotype saves man from several seconds of critical thinking

REGINA – A local business man has saved himself 8 seconds of critical thinking after quickly using a contemptuous stereotype to avoid any empathy for a fellow human being’s situation Karl L…

President Obama barricades self in Oval Office after House of Cards marathon

WASHINGTON – Following a 13 hour binge-viewing of the newly released second season of the Netflix exclusive series House of Cards, the President of the United States of America has barricaded him…

Harper developing jowls as he plans to be ‘not a crook’ for Liberal convention

OTTAWA – Canadian physiologists are watching in amazement as Prime Minister Harper‘s chin increasingly envelops his neck as the Liberal Convention begins in Montreal. “We’ve read about it before …

Brazeau finds gainful employment after leaving post in the seedy underbelly of Canadian society

OTTAWA – Suspended senator Patrick Brazeau has finally found a respectable job as a strip-club day manager after leaving the decadent opium den that is the Canadian Senate. “I’m just happy to be …