BRAMPTON, ON – A recent Alcohol and Gaming Commission bill has declared the underground fire fighting circuit in Brampton to be legal.
“It doesn’t appear as though the fires are being forced to fight people against their will,” said Commissioner Olivia Krupton. “As long as they have a fire alarm and a sprinkler system, these clubs have met all the safety requirements.”
Club owner “Smoking” Salvador Matrapoli, is not surprised by this outcome. “I run a perfectly legitimate business here,” Matrapoli said, brushing cigar ash from his white suit. “Firefighting is as much of our culture as bullfighting or kickboxing. All I do is provide quality entertainment and take a few bets. As for the safety of the fights themselves, many athletes in other sports have to face being incinerated or extinguished. The danger is what makes it exciting.”
“Besides, some of these guys seem to like being burned a little. They say the pain proves they’re alive.”
Amelia Chan and her championship winning fire, Big Blue Blaze, have been eagerly awaiting this announcement.
“I’m excited to know that firefighting will be a part of so many people’s lives now,” said Chan. “Without firefighting, I would have to go back to committing arsons to satisfy my pyromania. Now I have a perfectly legal way to watch things and people burn and burn and burn and burn and burn.”
This decision has not gone unopposed. Fire Defense lawyer Emily Pollick claims that the firefights taking place should not be legalized in their present form.
“The way these fights are staged, the fire is almost definitely going to be put out,” said Pollick. “And that’s not even mention the inhumane conditions that these poor flames go through in this so-called sport. These fires are being fed unnatural fuels to increase their size, and are constantly threatened with spray bottles.”
In response, Matrapoli has been quoted as saying “It’s a fire-eat-anything-flammable world.”
At press time, Matrapoli was attempting to gain similar status for his side venture, a literal rat race.
