Conservative MP Brad Butt claims he saw Big Foot stealing voter cards

OTTAWA – The Member of Parliament who claimed he saw people committing voter fraud is now claiming he saw Sasquatch stealing voter cards out of recycling bins. “Mr. Speaker, I have seen thi…

Calgary relieves traffic congestion replacing downtown with 6,000 lane highway

CALGARY – After years of congested roads and frustrated drivers, the City of Calgary announced that it will be tearing down most of the city’s core and paving a 6,000 lane highway for a fas…

New Tim Hortons bonus roll cups now doubles chances to not win a car

OTTAWA – Fans of the Tim Hortons Roll Up the Rim contest have been excited by a new feature that now gives them two chances to not win a car. The extra Roll Up the Rim location is part of T…

Harold Ramis becomes world’s funniest Class 5 Free-Roaming Vapour

CHICAGO – Early yesterday morning, surrounded by family and loved ones, acclaimed comedy writer/director Harold Ramis, age 69, crossed over to officially become the spirit world’s most hilarious …

If the paper boy didn’t like his bonus, he can say it to my fucking face

By Rick Powell I’ve lived on Albion Crescent for twelve years now. There are enough things to like about the neighbourhood: reasonable property taxes, plenty of green space, proximity to go…

Terrorists very disappointed with Olympic performance

The terrorists sent to Sochi from the northern Caucasus region of Russia, who want to establish an Islamic theocratic rule over their territory, apologized today for their lackluster performance …

European handball officially named world’s dirtiest sounding sport

OTTAWA – The Potential Euphemism and Non-intentional Innuendo Survey released a statement on Sunday, officially naming European handball as the world’s most suggestively named sport. “After…

Report: oh fuck, the patio furniture!

ETOBICOKE, ON – Yesterday, scientists reported that oh my God, the patio furniture has just been sitting out there all winter, and dammit, it’s probably at least half ruined. Reached for co…

Olympics update: HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY

SOCHI, RUSSIA – HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKE…

Olympics update: Unpatriotic man sleeps through alarm

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