Local woman walks to gym to walk on treadmill
HAMILTON – A 55 year-old local woman has been taking regular outdoor walks to the gym so she can walk on a treadmill. Margaret Antonin strolls nearly two kilometers to her local GoodLife gy…
Exasperated taxidermist gives up, says he’ll have a look at your tax return
MONTREAL – Tired of explaining what he actually does for a living, exasperated taxidermist Steve Fleischer says fine, he’ll have a look at your tax returns. “I give up,” sighs the 42 year-old. “A…
Worried man had that dream about sexy green M&M again
BRIDGEWATER, NH — After a few consecutive nights of uninterrupted sleep, local man Richard McDowell recently expressed alarm after he once again had that dream about the seductive Miss Green M&am…
Report: sleeping woman on subway has been dead for 3 weeks
TORONTO – Reports from those seated around her have confirmed that the women on the subway who all assumed to have been sleeping, is in fact dead, and has been for some time. “I first start…
Asian rights groups satisfied with invasive species name change from “Asian Carp” to “Mexican Carp”
WASHINGTON – US Asian rights groups are pleased to hear the Department of Natural Resources has decided to change the name of an invasive carp species from “Asian Carp” to “Mexican Carp”. N…
Instagram crash forces thousands of teenage girls to go unharassed by James Franco
SAN FRANCISCO – Thousands of teenage girls woke up this Saturday disappointed that they received no harassment whatsoever by actor James Franco due to an Instagram crash. “I thought m…
Local pulp mill improves matzah recipe
DRYDEN – After hearing numerous complaints, a pulp mill in Dryden, Ontario has decided to amend its method of manufacturing matzah bread on the eve of the Passover holiday. The Dryden Mill, which…
News editor brilliantly simplifies complex scandal for nation by adding ‘gate’
TORONTO – CBC’s News Now production meeting was running long until chief editor brilliantly suggested adding the word ‘gate’ to the main noun of the major story to simplify the whole complex scan…
Leafs add much needed size, scoring to front office
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs finally landed the big, scoring executive they’ve so desperately needed on Friday, when the team named Hall of Famer Brendan Shanahan as its new President. The m…
Workplace accidents fall to zero after factory institutes strict ‘walk-it-off’ policy
HAMILTON, ON – Metallic refinery ConCan Steel has made it through an entire year with a flawless safety record after implementing a revolutionary “walk-it-off” policy, where employees compl…
