Wal-Mart declares in-store murder legal on Black Friday - The Beaverton

Wal-Mart declares in-store murder legal on Black Friday

BENTONVILLE, AR – Based on the success of the recent Purge film series, retail giant Walmart has announced that, on Black Friday, all crimes, including murder, that are committed in Walmart stores will not be prosecuted.

“Black Friday at Walmart has always featured plenty of petty theft, assaults, and general mayhem,” said C.E.O. Doug McMillon. “And after watching that fun movie we just thought, this year, why not go that extra mile and give our customers the experience they clearly want.”

“Personally I’m really looking forward to getting out there and participating in the experience myself,” he added while trying on a goalie mask with the word God written on it (retail price $7.99).

Although Walmart does not yet have the power to actually suspend the criminal justice system, its lawyers are confident that through a careful system of releases, bribery of police officers, and manipulation of security camera footage, no one who participates in its “experiment” will face any actual legal consequences.

Some customers were wary of the possibility of either being murdered, or permanently staining their hands with blood just to get a cheap deal on everyday goods, but others sounded excited.

“Every year, just as I’m about to grab the last $25.00 plasma t.v., some bitch will come along and wrestle it away from me. Its nice knowing that this year, when that happens, I can just pull out a bowie knife and gut her from stem to stern,” said Tami-Lynn Scuderi.

Fellow bargain hunter Billy Schmidt was also planning on getting in on the action.

“You gotta do what you gotta do if you want those savings man. At least this year it might be less crowded.”

Although bargain prices and rampant shoplifting will undoubtedly cause Walmart to lose money on Black Friday, executives say it is worth it “for the hunt.” They have even gone so far as to remodel their famous ‘smiley face’ logo for the day to a sad face that is crying a single, solitary tear.

“It seemed appropriate, given that it is the last thing many of these plebeians will ever see,” said V.P. of marketing Doug Finch.

Walmart employees were also excited by the new program, after being promised that those employees who survive would be allowed to unionize.