TransCanada reaches out to teens with new Keystone bitumen halfpipe line

ALBERTA – In an attempt to win over the youthful protest groups throughout Canada and the USA, today the TransCanada Corporation announced a new massive halfpipe line and accompanying skate…

Eugenie Bouchard only one win away from not having to talk about whom she’d like to date

LONDON – On the heels of her decisive victory in Thursday’s Wimbledon semifinals, Canadian tennis star Eugenie Bouchard now finds herself only one win away from never having to answer questions a…

Ottawa Police confirm Claude Giroux has softest hands in the NHL

OTTAWA – Constable Ian Sturgess of the Ottawa Police Department confirmed today that hockey star Claude Giroux does indeed have the softest hands in the NHL, after the Philadelphia Flyers center …

Leafs accidentally sign infielder Michael Diaz during free agent frenzy

TORONTO – Following a flurry of free agent signings, the Toronto Maple Leafs experienced another setback after the team mistakenly signed a deal with infielder Michael Diaz for the next sev…

Local woman still watching True Blood

TORONTO – Despite giving several vague answers on the topic in recent weeks, local woman Anna Trawley, 26, confirmed yesterday that she is “yeah…still probably going to watch the last season of T…

Climate change denier drowns in flash flood

DELORAINE, MB – After a sudden torrential downpour that has inundated his community, a local climate change denier has been swept away by rushing waters and is presumed drowned. “It&#…

Poll: What’s in our wallets?

After surveying 10,000 individuals, we’ve compiled a list of the most commonly found items in Canadians’ wallets: 45% Novelty “Female Body Inspector” badge 28% Forged library card for hot new lib…

World Pride commemorates time when gays couldn’t get sunburned and pay $5 for a bottle of water

TORONTO – On a beautifully cloudless day in downtown Toronto, millions of gays, LGBTQ supporters, and people of all walks gathered to remember a time when homosexuals couldn’t get gou…

Hobby Lobby female employees now required to wear chastity belts until marriage

WASHINGTON – In the wake of winning a Supreme Court ruling, US arts and crafts retailer Hobby Lobby has announced that all of their female employees will be required to wear Chastity belts …

Ronaldo gets to see photo of family after 50th goal for Portugal

BRAZIL – After scoring his 50th goal for Portugal’s national football team in last Thursday’s game against Ghana, officials from the Portuguese government have allowed captain C…