Adam Smith’s invisible hand files for disability benefits
EDINBURGH – After 250 years of its suffering going unseen, Adam Smith’s invisible hand has decided to seek help and file for disability benefits. “I tried to solve my own problems, I really did,”…
Mercilessly boring truck-driving simulation game scares generation of kids into academic success
MARKHAM – Cross Country Canada, a computer studies game that gave kids the virtual experience of being a truck driver delivering cargo across the country, is being celebrated for effectivel…
Paternity test confirms Sir John A actual Father of Confederation, owes billions in child support
OTTAWA – DNA tests has confirmed Canada’s first prime minister, Sir John A. Macdonald, is the Father of Confederation after 148 years of denial and unpaid child support. Queen Victoria said…
World Leaders march in Paris to defend their exclusive right to suppress journalists
PARIS – Dozens of World Leaders joined yesterday’s Charlie Hebdo solidarity march to send a message to terrorists that intimidation of media will not be tolerated, unless they are the ones doing …
French terrorists disappointed to discover satire doesn’t die
PARIS – With French authorities tracking them down, the gunmen who attacked a satirical news office were disheartened to discover that satire – and all other forms of gags, antics and…
Ugly Christmas sweater party turns into ugly Christmas sweater orgy
WHISTLER, BC – an innocent chance to socialize while ironically wearing clothing designed to celebrate the holiday season took on a more sexual tone this weekend, when all the party goers d…
Ottawa recognizes foreign credentials of skilled immigrants with automatic taxi license
OTTAWA – Immigration Minister Chris Alexander has announced a new program to attract the most desirable economic immigrants by promptly issuing them a cab license. “Canada has a labour shor…
Gingerbread housing market expected to crumble
NORTH CHRISTMASLAND – A team of economists have released a report detailing an impending price drop in the gingerbread housing market. “Gingerbread families can’t afford the mortgages baker…
Empty shampoo bottle enters third month in shower
ABBOTSFORD, BC – Despite being void of any shampoo for the past 90 days, a 1.17 L bottle of TRESemmé shampoo still remains in a local man’s shower. The owner, Eric Mannix, has ignored pleas…
The true meaning of the season
BY KRAMPUS, THE GERMANIC YULETIDE DEMON Guten Tag! With the holidays upon us once more it is time for I, the Krampus, to reflect on what is truly important. Oh, I’m certain things seem very simpl…
