SANTA FE — After Game of Thrones fans responded with outrage to his announcement that he will be unable to deliver another novel before the premiere of the franchise’s next TV season, author George R. R. Martin has shocked his critics by threatening to write his own death into the next Game of Thrones novel.
In the face of an onslaught of negative comments criticizing the 67-year old author as “lazy”, “selfish” and “uncaring” for failing to deliver the 800-plus page book with desired speed, Martin released a statement warning readers that should the messages continue, he “may be forced to take drastic measures by creating and eliminating myself as a character in the next book.”
The seemingly unthinkable threat, which literary experts say would not just kill but, through narrative logic, prohibit any further plot development in the beloved fantasy series, has fans terrified for the fates of the characters.
“This is even worse than when he kills off one of the people you really care about,” said fan Alicia Crumpet, between sobs, referring to the many celebrated, entirely fictional characters whose deaths have occurred in the books. “I never thought he could be so cruel–he can’t die, he owes three more books to us!”
With his famous penchant for gory detail, Martin went on to suggest various ways in which the Five Kingdoms might be a dangerous place for an elderly fantasy writer born in the 20th century. “Why, the character of George R. R. Martin might end up in all kinds of trouble if he were to wander into King’s Landing at the wrong time. He could get burned to death, stabbed to death, shot with a crossbow, drink poisoned wine, turn into a stone zombie, eaten by a dragon, have his brain punctured in trial by combat–anything!”
Martin continued, “He could have a smoke ghost sneak into his house and kill him, he could get hired as a prostitute to a psychopath who shoots him with arrows. He could have a little girl who borrows the likeness of another little girl kill him—ooh, I forgot, he could just have a huge pot of molten gold dumped on his head, he could be in a gladiator match, hell–he could just be a character another character gets told about the death of from a raven. Oh! Exposure too, plus getting trampled by a horse, falling out a moon door. Did I say burned to death? That could happen to him in a weird alternative way too, like have him suspended in a suit of armour over a bonfire. Or heck, maybe just blood poisoning, no need to reinvent the wheel, here.”
“Who will rescue your precious House of Stark then? Huh?”
At press time, frantic commenters have also pointed out that George R. R. Martin could die of a wasting disease called the Red Waste, but you’d only know that if you’d read the books.
