New edition of Slip ‘N Slide comes with built-in rocks
EMERYVILLE, CA – A classic summer toy for children, the Slip ‘N Slide is getting a 21st-century makeover, with the new design featuring built-in chunks of stuff that hurts the human body. “…
Hardest working senator only manages 400 vacation days per year
OTTAWA – Following recent scandals in the Upper House, workhorse Liberal senator Nick Sibbeston has rallied support by publicly revealing that he barely manages 13 months of vacation time p…
Canadian man buying groceries across the border loses right to vote
NIAGARA FALLS – After a brief shopping excursion into Buffalo, NY, a Canadian man has lost his right to vote in the next federal elections as a result of Canada’s new ex-pat voting la…
New zero-emission blood donation van powered by blood
The Canadian Blood Services added their first zero-emission vehicle to their fleet of mobile donation labs with the BlooDrive 1, a van that gets 100% of it’s energy from the human blood it collec…
Smith and Wesson unveils new shoot-ier gun
SPRINGFIELD, MA – Citing a decline in super cool firearms and wicked gunfights, weapon manufacturer Smith and Wesson has revealed a new line of shoot-ier, blast-o-riffic hand-cannons. “This…
Recently uncovered Nostradamus quatrain predicts 7-11
SALON-DE-PROVENCE, FRANCE – An international team of archaeologists has discovered a shocking Nostradamus prophecy that seems to have foretold the events of 7-11, nearly half a millennium b…
Cat just keeps getting bigger
HAMILTON, ON – Despite health risks and the recommendations of veterinarians, local cat Cheesecake has continued to be fed, and continued to grow, at an alarming rate. “I understand h…
Mom replaces dead husband while kids away at camp
ESSEX, ON – Following the unexpected death of her husband Greg, mother of two Shelly Polluck has managed to find a replacement with similar markings just days before her children return fro…
Kanye West interrupts Pan Am closing ceremony to complain no medals went to Beyonce
TORONTO – During tonight’s closing ceremonies for the Pan American games in Toronto, the event’s headlining act, Kanye West, took to the stage before his cue to berate the Pan Am Games for …
Man forms meaningful relationship with Tinder spam-bot
TORONTO – A local man has formed an unlikely but surprisingly deep and meaningful relationship with a spam-bot after they met on the mobile dating app, Tinder. Jesse Green was initially ver…
