OTTAWA — Last night, roughly half of the country’s population was awake in bed worrying about what they recently said to the remaining population.
According to the Sleep Restlessness Institute, millions of Canadians lost roughly three hours of sleep being concerned about some insignificant comment made to or directed at the other millions of Canadians who were fast asleep.
“Forgetting to introduce people is one of the leading causes of worry-related insomnia,” explained Dr. Tamara Furchner who lead the study. “Participants were up all night staring at the ceiling feeling sorry about how they might have sounded sarcastic when remarking about someone’s fashion when they lacked that intent.”
The study indicated that 15% of the nation’s 35 million people lost sleep over forgetting someone’s name, 18% were concerned about a joke they told that few laughed at, and 20% wondered if they were being generally insensitive towards Dave.
Many anxious Canadians expressed internal regret about making trivial statements while resting on their pillows trying to ignore the time illuminated on the alarm clock.
‘I can’t believe I said “Good, how are you” to someone who just said “hello,”’ thought a worrying Ellen Lemieux of Ancaster with regards to her brief conversation with co-worker Cheryl Stuart of Hamilton. ‘My God, I’m so awkward and clueless. She’ll think I don’t notice her and how much I value her. She’ll start to hate me. I will lose my job over this, for sure. And then how am I going to feed my cat?’
Others who were struggling to get comfortable with their bed sheets began to replay mispronounced or incorrect words used in inconsequential conversations with people they recently met.
‘I can’t believe I said the capital of Estonia when I meant the capital Lithuania,’ lamented Tony Oybek of Edmonton about answering a question wrong at a pub trivia night. ‘I must’ve offended every Lithuanian and Estonian in that room. What the hell is wrong with me?’
According to sources, those with insomnia plan on moving on from worrying about what they said to others to what health problems will cause their untimely death.