Harper lights ceremonial tire fire at annual Chinese pollution festival
BEIJING – After being praised for his commitment to environmental catastrophe, Stephen Harper kicked the annual Festival of the Polluted Moon off by throwing a bag of flaming garbage into a…
Parents throw jerseys onto ice frustrated with struggling Timbits hockey team
PARRY SOUND – A struggling amateur hockey team for five and six year-olds has been dealt another blow after their disillusioned parents began throwing their Timbits fan jerseys onto the ice…
Leader of rat colony disgusted by TTC overcrowding
TORONTO – After being displaced by the continuing construction work at Toronto’s Union station, the leader of Ontario’s largest rat colony today expressed his disgust at the current level o…
Government to punish fake soldier by treating him like a real veteran
OTTAWA – After posing as a fake Canadian Forces soldier, DND and Veterans Affairs have decided the impostor’s punishment should be to endure the poor treatment they inflict on a real Canadi…
Everything fixed after Canadian forces in Iraq for 2 months
BAGHDAD – Despite worries from opposition leaders and high-ranking military officers that the mission would spiral well beyond its initial timeframe, the presence of Canadian special forces…
MPs reassure female staffers with playful open-handed pat on the behind
OTTAWA – Following sexual harassment allegations against two Liberal MPs and subsequent questions over the House of Commons’ lack of protocol to deal with them, male MPs made sure to reassu…
Forbes names Putin ‘World’s Most Powerful Fuckface’
NEW YORK – Thanks to a year of swaggering, unapologetic dickheaded-ness, Forbes magazine has named Vladimir Putin as the World’s Most Powerful Fuckface for the 2nd year in a row. “Whether o…
CRTC bans 30-day internet cancellation notice after 4 hour argument with Rogers tech support
OTTAWA – Following an aggravating conversation with representatives from the leading internet, TV, and cellphone provider, the CTRC has decided to ban the required 30-day notice period for …
Only high school football player without concussion clearly not trying hard enough
CHATHAM, ON – While his high school team made the playoffs, a grade 11 linebacker has shown little effort in scoring a concussion this season. 16 year-old Chad Donaldson has repeatedly miss…
Man who has never been to independent bookstore furious over its closing
VICTORIA, B.C. – Local man Stephen Dewitt is reportedly furious over the closing of independent bookstore ‘Moby Dickens’ despite having never financially supported the business in any form.…