Smarter-than-average bear seems to have fashioned crude shiv
JELLYSTONE PARK, WY – A local bear seems to have used his higher-than-normal intelligence to turn a crushed soda can into some manner of rudimentary knife. “I’ve caught this bear trying to …
Worker bees unionize
MEDICINE HAT, AB – For the first time in apiary history, worker bees are organizing to stand up for their basic rights. “People think bees don’t need to sleep,” said Worker Bee #458909. “We…
‘Brass Band of Brothers’ becomes HBO’s worst ever show
After years as a home of critically-acclaimed television, HBO has begun to air a brass-instrument-themed spinoff of Band of Brothers: a show that critics are calling not only one of HBO’s, but on…
Liberals caught transporting planes full of mannequins to meet refugee intake targets
OTTAWA – In a stunning scandal which has caught the eye of people from all sides of the political spectrum, 12 recently landed planes supposedly carrying Syrian refugees have been revealed to be …
Frustrated novelist struggling to write scene where main character opens pickle jar
TORONTO – Writer Alice Nguyen has found herself completely unable to complete a pivotal moment in her novel in which her main character, Michael, opens a pickle jar. “I just can’t find his …
Hard hitting journalist wins ninth consecutive title fight
OTTAWA, ON – For the ninth year in row, featured correspondent for the Ottawa Citizen David Suplin has defended his title has National Journalist Fighting Lightweight champion. Suplin, know…
Man late to conversation wants to know what you guys are talking about
TORONTO – Recent studies have shown that local man Derek Waverly, who arrived late to your conversation at the office holiday party, is nonetheless interested in knowing what you guys are d…
City boy ain’t got the guts
THE PRAIRIES – Although he came in faking like he was hot shit, eyewitnesses at Scraggly Dan’s Saloon are reporting that this namby-pamby, suit-and-tie man don’t know what he’s getting hims…
Biological father, stepfather both show up to house wearing Santa costumes
CALGARY – Joshua Hughes, 7, suffered a mild Christmas trauma today when William Hughes, his biological father, burst into the family home in a Santa costume when stepfather James Cohen was …
CBC sends Justin Trudeau holiday gift basket complete with artisanal CBC donation box
OTTAWA – In the spirit of the season, Prime Minister Trudeau has received a gift basket from the CBC filled with shortbread cookies, dried fruits, and a beautifully hand-carved donation box…
