UN sends 40,000 peacekeepers to stabilize United States
GENEVA – Following reports of sustained violence and the rise of dangerous militant and political groups, the United Nations is allocating 40,000 peacekeepers to the US in an attempt to mai…
Nike boosts sales with new shoes targeted at young, wealthy centipedes
NEW YORK – Nike announced today that 2015 was its most successful year ever, crediting their massive increase in sales to a specialty line of sneakers that targeted the under-served “young,…
Bunny reporter tired of writing fluff pieces
BANFF, AB- Jounalist for the Banff National Park News Hoppy McWhiskers has recently spoken out about what he believes is a pattern of discrimination at the paper. McWhiskers, who joined the pape…
Recalled flip-flops flip, fail to flop
Fairfax, NFLD – Feather Feet, formerly Fairfax Footwear, has recalled their first famed flip-flop franchise, the Freezy Flow, for flipping, but failing to flop. Faulty manufacturing on the …
Family arguing in Mississippi Walmart checkout accidentally writes new Faulkner novel
MISSISSIPPI – Members of the slowly dissolving Sendwick clan, Collum and his children Leonard and Franny, have unintentionally created a previously unavailable work from Nobel Prize-winning…
Guy who used to have mutton chops and mohawk seems to be doing OK these days
TORONTO – Sources say that, despite what you might have thought, the guy that they used to call “Muttonhawk” seems to have actually been doing pretty alright, these last couple of years. “I…
Local man’s new year’s resolutions too depressing for rest of party
REGINA – Sources inside Beverly Ackerman’s New Year’s Eve party last night say the event was brought to a screeching halt when attendee Michael Griffin proceeded to reveal the sad, inconseq…
Party-goer sure New Year’s cigar won’t make him throw up this time
TORONTO – In spite of four previous years’ worth of contrary evidence, local man Jeff Andrews is firm in his belief that he can handle a cigar without becoming horribly ill this New Year’s Eve. “…
Platonic friends have same number of faces, vertices, are fucking
MONTREAL – Insisting that they’re ‘just friends’, a pair of local octahedrons share the same number of edges and interior angle degrees, and are secretly having just the nastiest sex with e…
Local man unashamed that he still owns devil-sticks
Nineteen years after he first got them, Kingston resident Darren McPhee, 33, has reaffirmed publicly that he both owns devil-sticks and regularly uses them. “Yeah, I stick,” said McPhee, “I can k…
