LONDON – The United Kingdom, a country whose empire once controlled and exploited half the world, has voted to free itself from the tyranny of the European Union.
“I’m sick of my country being the property of Brussels,” said John Perry, whose ancestors literally bought and sold human beings. “Britain has always been synonymous with freedom.”
The United Kingdom, which entered the EU as a way of preventing brutal wars and ensuring mutual economic success while also encouraging tourism, has now achieved complete sovereignty from all of those things.
“Today we showed the world we’re willing to cast out an intrusive, benign and actually quite helpful government body as soon as that body wasn’t controlled by us,” said Boris Johnson. “I think we can all agree that this was the biggest ever victory for liberty.”
“My only remaining question is, when will all the Polish people leave?”
The world was shocked by Britain’s decision, having expected that the island nation would be cool with a transnational political entity wielding the power to override the sovereignty of its constituent members, for some reason.
“Wait a second: if you don’t want to be part of something, you can just vote to leave?” said India’s Rahul Khan. “Why didn’t they ever tell us that?”
At press time, it seemed that Britain had gained sovereignty from their money as well.