Crosby voted NHL’s most valuable non-rapist - The Beaverton

Crosby voted NHL’s most valuable non-rapist

LAS VEGAS – At the National Hockey League’s star-studded event last night, Penguins captain and Stanley Cup champion was awarded the Harold Ballard Award, given annually to the league’s best player who has never committed sexual assault.

“Sidney had an amazing year; leading the Penguins in points, carrying the team to a Stanley Cup, and not digitally penetrating an unwilling woman in the bathroom of a bar,” said host .

“The way his game and lack of sexual assault accusations is going, I fully expect him to win this award many more times.”

After a slow start to the year Crosby really turned his game around after the All-Star break, going on to rack up 36 goals, 49 assists and 0 known allegations of abusing another person’s body for his own pleasure.

“Sydney is a once in a generation talent,” said coach . “The kind of talent that would make us all overlook truly horrific behaviour while we shower him with accolades. Fortunately with him, there doesn’t seem to be anything to ignore.”

“I have to give full credit to my teammates,” said the ever humble Crosby. “They really picked me up in the early part of the year and got me going. I only hope that my not making them spend all year steadfastly ignoring questions about my inappropriate sexual exploits contributed to our success as well.”

At press time Hart trophy winner was asking if any of the girls at the afterparty wanted another drink.