Inspirational procrastinator lives every day like it’s his second last
Prince Albert, Sask – Filling his day with useless activities to avoid more important ones, Harold Carmacks has inspired many with his ‘I’ll-do-it-tomorrow’ philosophy. “I’m always preoccup…
Obama, Nieto to increase tariffs by 12% unless Trudeau eats scorpion in tequila bottle
OTTAWA – Reports from the Three Amigos Summit yesterday indicated that the leaders of Mexico and the USA had threatened to increase tariffs 12% unless Prime Minister Trudeau quit being a bi…
Gastown steam clock powered by sighs of disappointed tourists
VANCOUVER – In a candid interview yesterday morning Raymond Saunders, the designer of the Gastown Steam Clock, revealed that the popular Vancouver landmark is, in fact, powered by the sighs of di…
Hundreds of sick kids to be put down after Subban traded to Nashville
MONTREAL — Following the trade of Canadiens all-star defenceman and philanthropist PK Subban, the Montreal Children’s Hospital has announced Wednesday that it would not be able to keep its …
Lost: Last year’s Yukon River Quest team last seen paddling up Congo River
BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO – A Yukon River Quest team that failed to finish the 715 km canoe and kayak race was last spotted deep in the Congo-Chambeshi River system. The dishevelled team of four w…
Teens super stoked to survive summer abroad in Aztec death temple
MEXICO – With high school classes nationwide out for the summer, one group of Canadian teens is preparing to spend an exciting summer abroad in the most profane temple of Chalchiuhtotolin. …
Picnic ruined by being outside
THUNDER BAY — After three gruelling hours of tolerating such things as weather and plants, every member of the Terrence family has stated that their attempt at a picnic was ruined by the choice t…
NRA releases statement regretting tomorrow’s shooting
FAIRFAX, VA – The National Rifle Association has issued a press release expressing its ‘sincerest regrets’ for the mass shooting that will, with ‘complete certainty,’ happ…
Brexit aftermath: Norman immigrant harassed on bus
NORWICH, UK – A video of a man harassing a Norman immigrant on a bus has gone viral as part of a rise in xenophobic incidents following the UK’s vote to leave the European Union. “You fucking imm…
Financial capital of Canada pauses so streetcar driver can move tracks with big stick
TORONTO – The largest economic power in the nation came to a grinding halt this morning as Eddie, the streetcar operator, struggled to properly move the Dundas streetcar tracks using his la…
