Mars Inc., the food and beverage conglomerate, saw its share price plummet 28% this morning after a preliminary fourth quarter earnings report revealed that sales of its subsidiary Uncle Ben’s Rice dropped precipitously following the release of the new waterproof iPhone 7.
“It was all of those drunk kids dropping their damn phones in the john—that was our livelihood, our bread and butter!” said senior analyst Sonia Fitzgerald.
It’s believed that nearly 80% of Uncle Ben’s purchases were directly attributable to people needing to repair their phone after dropping it in the toilet, spilling a glass of water on it, or drunkenly throwing it into the punch bowls at house parties.
Bill Myers, Uncle Ben’s CFO claims that, “Without the broken smartphones it’s over, it’s done; we’re FINISHED!” Myers then ran away at a rapid pace.
Meanwhile company CEO Mark Cannon was found lying down in a large barrel of rice in one of Uncle Ben’s Quebec-based factory locations. Cannon explained that he “thought I’d give it a try, just one last time.”