Starbucks opens first ever franchise inside Dave

PETERBOROUGH – After a long fought battle, multinational corporation Starbucks has finally completed construction on a franchise located inside Dave, a Peterborough man. “Dave was a tough m…

Ontario Tories apologize for youth seminar featuring waterboarding, Patrick Brown

MCMASTER UNIVERSITY — The Ontario Progressive Conservatives have released an apology to young party activists Tuesday, after organizers of a youth rally used violence, intimidation and the …

Leslie Jones signs multi-picture deal to remake every single movie online trolls grew up loving

HOLLYWOOD – Following a hack and leak of nude photos of comedic actress Leslie Jones, Hollywood studios have announced a 35-film deal to feature Jones in remakes of every single movie that …

Canadian athletes return from Rio to minimum wage jobs

TORONTO – After a strong performance in the Rio Olympics, Team Canada’s athletes have returned home to glory, accolades, and numerous retail positions. “Get out of my way! My shift at Tim H…

Local man so old

KELOWNA, BC – Locals are reporting that Kelowna man Gregory Campbell is so old, possibly the oldest man who has ever lived. “God, look at this old man,” said local Kevin Andreas of Campbell…

Ministry of Finance’s unpaid interns struggling to stimulate economy

OTTAWA – Unpaid interns at the Ministry of Finance say they are “at their wits’ end” on how to kickstart Canada’s stagnant economy. “We’ve tried everything,” said 26-year-old intern Derek M…

Report: Donald Trump does thing where he says N-word with his eyes again

NEW YORK CITY – Shortly after a weekend speech dedicated to courting the African American vote, eyewitnesses have stated that Donald Trump has once again done that thing where he uses his e…

UPDATE: Nation currently demanding 56th encore from Tragically Hip

KINGSTON, ON – Unable to accept that The Tragically Hip will never again play another song, the entire nation of Canada is requesting that the Canadian rock legends come back out on stage t…

Government mandates foyer in every building after pressure from lobbyists

OTTAWA – Yielding to demands of lobby groups, the Trudeau government has passed legislation that requires all constructed dwellings in Canada to have a clearly defined waiting area. “It’s 2016,” …

Neighbourhood one cupcake shop short of gentrification

TORONTO – Residents in a western Toronto neighbourhood had mixed reaction this week as the opening of a barre studio put the neighbourhood just one cupcake shop short of gentrification. “I …