Canada to sign Great Ape Research Ban as soon as we finish the Chimpan-Zed - The Beaverton
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Canada to sign Great Ape Research Ban as soon as we finish the Chimpan-Zed

OTTAWA – Facing pressure from animal rights groups, science Minister announced today that Canada will sign an international ban against scientific experimentation on great apes, the moment Canadian researchers complete ‘their most daring project’.

“Obviously, we want to think of ourselves as the sort of country where medical research on sentient beings is prohibited,” Duncan said. “But we’re close, people, so very close to the goal we’ve been striving towards for years.”

Armed with the moose’s proud antlers, the ’s mighty tail, and the ’s noble everything else, the Chimpan-Zed promises to be Canada’s greatest contribution to science since the Reverse , which has a beak for a butt and a butt for a beak.

“Yes, Project Simian Thunder has cost the lives of many, many, many, many, many chimpanzees,” Duncan said, unveiling a cage containing a chimp with the face of a British Columbia pacific . “But take a look at this little guy’s face and tell me we’re not making progress.”

Along with the Transcontinental Railway and the , the Chimpan-Zed has been a national dream ever since wrote about it in his dream journal in 1872.

 

With art by Samuel Smith