America is great again, so local man going to shit wherever he feels like it

OHIO – With thousands of Americans using the election of Donald Trump to justify the most atrocious kinds of behaviour, local man Derek Jensen says he now feels fully justified in defecatin…

Catholics beaten by police during protest over Vatican Access pipeline

VATICAN CITY – After months of mounting tensions over the proposed Vatican Access pipeline, police have begun openly attacking the Catholic protesters, using vicious dogs, rubber bullets, a…

Conservative Party Leadership Profile: This Tub of Margarine

Name: This Tub of Margarine Background: Born and produced by a hard working Canadian industry, The Tub claims it has never backed down from a challenge. The Tub is best known for successfully lob…

Canada to take in American celebrities fleeing Trump in exchange for U.S. giving visas to our unemployed artists

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and President-elect Donald Trump have announced an ambitious new plan that will see Canada grant citizenship to the hundreds of celebrities who tweete…

World’s climate scientists now cling to hope that global warming is Chinese hoax

GENEVA — Some of the world’s top climate scientists have penned a letter to the International Journal of Climatology, Friday, expressing their belief that humanity’s only hope for survival …

After divorce Ms Pacman to retake maiden name Svarkowski

After months of rumours of infidelity and drug fuelled blowouts, culminating in a leaked sex tape between Pac-Man and Dig Dug, Ms Pac-man and Pac-Man have announced their intention to divorce, wi…

NHL hopes ‘Hockey Fights Cancer’ campaign proves as successful as previous initiative, ‘Hockey Tacitly Accepts Brain Injuries’

NEW YORK – A spokesperson for the NHL says he’s confident that the league’s ‘Hockey Fights Cancer’ campaign will prove to be every bit as successful as its last initiative, the wildly effec…

Guide To: Toronto

  What’s the deal with Toronto? The Beaverton Guide To is here to help with your weekly dose of educational content.…

“Kellie Leitch can’t win here,” says man who said Trump couldn’t win there

VANCOUVER – During a dinner party held by a friend, local man David Casper openly scoffed at the notion that Kellie Leitch could ever win the Conservative party leadership, let alone a fede…

America hopes famous actors are half as good at fighting real Nazis as they are fake ones

D.C. – As America’s emboldened Neo-Nazis emerge from the shadows, many of its citizens are turning to familiar faces to save them, Hollywood actors. “When it comes down to it, I’m not much …