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Trump announces tariffs on earthquakes originating from Canada

WASHINGTON – In response to the earthquake that originated in northern BC and shook parts of Alaska and Yukon this morning, US President Donald has placed a 24% tariff on all cross-border seismic events.

Trump made the announcement hours after a Canadian 6.2 magnitude earthquake was felt in Alaska.

“American quakes first,” tweeted Trump before signing the executive order that would see any Canadian seismic activity taxed when it crosses beneath the border. “US towns are being shaken by Canadian tremors that occur on Crown Land. Must stop!”

The Trump Administration is also arguing that Canada gets a free ride on the Denali Fault Line since most of planar fracture is located in Alaska.

A levy of 18% will be applied for any aftershocks that occur after the first event.

In related news, the tremors that shook Yukon early this morning somehow improved the state of the territory’s infrastructure.

BREAKING: We wrote a fucking book