Mar-A-Lago, FL – Tragedy struck the First Family today, when Donald Trump Jr. died of his injuries shortly after being riddled with bullets by a group of elephants in a Cadillac 4×4.
“Poor Eric never saw them coming,” said step-mother Melania Trump. “What kind of cowards would shoot a dumb, unexpecting creature with enormous ears from the safety of their vehicle?”
In what has been described as a ‘gangland-style execution’, and ‘the exact opposite of JFK in Dallas’, the elephants pulled up at the 13th hole of the Mar-a-Lago golf course, produced a series of unlicensed MP5Ks, and used the dextrous ends of their trunks to pull the triggers until Trump Jr. had been filled with over five hundred rounds.
The elephants then posed for a series of photographs with Trump Jr.’s body, before giving it to a group of locals to be used for food.
While the elephants’ motives remain unconfirmed, experts say the attack was likely connected with Trump’s big-game hunting trip to Zimbabwe in 2010.
“DTJ made some powerful enemies during that trip,” said foreign-policy expert Faisal Al-Sadeeq. “Like elephants.”
President Trump has responded to the attack in the harshest possible terms, by launching a nuclear strike against the elephants’ homeland: Australia.
This is not the first time the 2010 Zimbabwe trip has come back to haunt the Trump family. In 2016, photos of the trip circulated around the internet, prompting Eric Trump to restrict himself to only hunting humans.
