Canada’s sesquicentennial is a joyous event, I gather. And so far, I have seen some of your waterfront and had my picture taken with many of your citizens, many of whom seem to be happy at the sight o...
Study: tea bag string dropping into hot water God’s way of saying “Fuck you, Darryl”
PARIS — Researchers from France have confirmed that when your tea bag string falls into a hot cup of water, little paper tab and all, it is God’s very personal way of saying “Yeah guess what? Go...
I’m starting to think I might not do great in prison – by Jared Kushner
You know, there’s something about being investigated by the FBI for attempting to set up a dubious back-channel to the Kremlin that just gets a guy thinking. People are using words like “espiona...
Counter-protesters to First Nations tepee on Parliament Hill set up traditional suburb
OTTAWA – Counter-protesters have erected a traditional sprawling suburb on Parliament Hill in response to a group of grassroots indigenous activists who set up a tepee for the Canada 150 celebra...
Report: Girlfriend has weirdly shaped measuring cup
PORT PERRY, ON – Early reports indicate that Nick Wincenty’s common-law partner, Tracey Miriana, has small, silicone measuring cup for some unknown purpose. Wincenty made the perplexing discover...
Guide To: Canada 150
Everything you need to know to celebrate the birthday of a perfectly fine country....
REPORT: Nation still using Dave’s Netflix account
MISSISSAUGA – An investigation by the Netflix Data Engineering and Analytics team has found that each of the approximately 36.5 million Canadians is currently logged in to Dave’s Netflix account. “We ...
Firefighters use Jaws of Life to extract Christy Clark from BC Premiership
VICTORIA – Firefighters were called to the BC Legislature this afternoon to extract Liberal leader Christy Clark, who chained herself to the Premier’s desk and refused to leave until her Liberal...
Video game protagonist: “I can’t use that item right now”
As the protagonist of a popular video game, I’m no stranger to acquiring an extensive number of seemingly pointless items which I know will eventually go on to serve a critical purpose. And nobo...
Commitment-phobic boyfriend manages to binge watch all 12 seasons of ‘Bones’
EDMONTON – Chad Sandford stunned his on-again, off-again girlfriend of 5 years, Karen McClinton, when he managed to binge watch all 12 seasons of the TV show Bones. McClinton was initially suspicious ...
