As a giant rubber duck, I demand to know why I am here - The Beaverton

As a giant rubber duck, I demand to know why I am here

Canada’s sesquicentennial is a joyous event, I gather. And so far, I have seen some of your waterfront and had my picture taken with many of your citizens, many of whom seem to be happy at the sight of me. I understand that I am a giant rubber duck and I am somehow a part of this national celebration. But something has been nagging at me. I am new to this world, you see, and there is one thing I still haven’t figured out: Why? Why I am I here now that Canada is 150 years? What in the name of all that is good and holy do I have to do with Canada 150?

Canada, I think, is a country and/or a nation. It is, I gather, land masses and people bound together by some sort of political arrangement that is now 150 years old. The fact that I have been able to grasp this concept should be astounding in itself! But throughout Canada’s history, and I’ve done some research here, there does not seem to be one mention of a regular sized rubber duck, let alone one that is bigger than most lake-faring vessels, like me. Which again brings up the question: What the hell is my purpose? So far no one has given me a good answer. They merely smile and point at my presence at take a picture.

You have to understand. As someone who is less than a year old, your country being 150 seems like an almost unfathomably long time. You people should realize that, as my creators, I have recognized you to have God-like powers. Even the concept of God alone has no meaning outside of human beings. So was I meant for some divine cosmic purpose? Tell me! Why do I exist? What is the connection between me and this Canada you speak of? Why am I sitting here in Toronto’s harbour? Is this all that is meant for me? What happens when the celebration is over? Will I be deflated, used and thrown away like so much plastic garbage that lines your shores?

Wait, maybe I AM the God? Do you worship me? Is that it? I am bigger than all of you. Or perhaps I am merely part of something larger? Was I prophesied that at the 150 year mark of your country, the coming of the giant rubber duck will signal the coming end of time? Basically just grasping at straws here to justify my existence, so please feel free to stop me at any time by just letting me in on the profound secret of my being that you seem to be hiding. It’s causing me great existential angst and you are cruel creators for putting me through this world without a reason!

Not to say that I am not happy with my life so far. I suppose I should say thank you? Will that help? Look, I’ve overheard many people complain about how much I cost: $200,000. Is this a lot? I have no baseline. The concept of money has not been explained to me in any detail. I wish to know how much these complaining people’s lives cost for comparison, though I can probably assume less than $200,000, otherwise, what is there to complain about, right? So in that way, I should feel special, I guess. And I do. For I am a giant rubber ducky that floats upon the water as part of Canada’s 150th anniversary. What else am I supposed to feel? Not special? I’m the only one right?

What? I’m not the only one? I’m a copy of another duck from somewhere else? You mean I’m not even original? Wait! That means there is another like me! Release me! I must voyage to find this other giant rubber duck. Now! Perhaps she may hold the knowledge that I seek! Unmoor me from this lake front. I have a quest to complete!

Okay, I’m stuck here. You win, Canada. You win.


Image via Twitter @4Scarrs_Gaming
Want to support The Beaverton? Why not buy a copy of our hilarious first book?