VICTORIA – Firefighters were called to the BC Legislature this afternoon to extract Liberal leader Christy Clark, who chained herself to the Premier’s desk and refused to leave until her Liberal government was reinstated.
In yet another ploy to keep her government alive, Clark reportedly sprinted to her office and barricaded the door after losing a critical confidence vote.
“I’m sorry it has to come to this, but the Legislature won’t work unless I’m in charge!” Clark yelled from behind the closed door. “I’ve already glued all of my things onto this desk and carved my name under the chair!”
Previous stalling tactics by Clark included pulling the fire alarm, declaring a hunger strike, and presenting a Throne Speech that plagiarized the policies of other parties. She also ordered Minister of Education Mike Bernier to take a dive by faking a knee injury in the Legislature to buy additional time.
According to witnesses, Clark attempted to bargain with emergency response personnel by offering each of them a lucrative government contract if they left her alone and allowed her to govern.
“This is much worse than the time she handcuffed herself to that radiator,” said Victoria’s Deputy Fire Chief Lance Burgil. “The extraction may take a few more hours once we convince her we don’t want the Site C Dam named after us.”
According to Canadian political historian J.L. Armstrong, this is not the first time a leader has physically bound themselves to their public office in an effort to retain power.
“In 1926, Prime Minister Mackenzie King tied himself to his desk in Parliament for weeks, refusing to resign after Governor General Lord Byng gave Arthur Meighen a chance to form a government,” explained Armstrong. “Meighen used him as a chair for four months until his party returned to power.”