Tory senator wants to “focus on the good” of gaping wound in leg
OTTAWA — Conservative Senator Lynn Beyak announced to the Red Chamber today that she wants to “focus on the good” aspects of the large, exposed wound on her left leg. Beyak, who recently as…
World’s sleazy club owners prepare to celebrate International Ladies’ Night
WORLDWIDE – Saying that it was the one day of the year when they could truly show their thanks, gross bar owners the world over are in the last stages of preparation for International Ladie…
Editorial: How am I supposed to pass the Bechdel test when my husband is so hot?
By Sophie Gregoire Trudeau While performing my annual International Women’s Day ritual by admiring every crevasse on my husbands body and bragging about it on the internet, I saw for the first ti…
Lotto 649 commercial features the dream of owning a 1 bedroom condo in Toronto
TORONTO – Lotto 649’s newest commercial showcases the dream of purchasing a fifth-floor condo somewhere in downtown Toronto. The 30-second clip features one lucky couple celebrating in an e…
Big, strong alt-right movement terrified of Jewish children
TORONTO – After a bomb threat was called into the Toronto Jewish Community Centre today, the alt-right has admitted that they view Jewish toddlers as the single largest threat to their phys…
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
What’s a horrifying, insectoidal monstrosity to do? Sources Beetle Clock Woman playing violin Knocking on door Door Scared businessman Garbage can Beetle book Woman reading book Swarm of…
Emma Watson punches through basement drywall after having to explain feminism again
LONDON – After being questioned on the legitimacy of her feminist politics in relation to a revealing photo-shoot, British actor Emma Watson has put her fist through a layer of drywall in a local…
Ben Carson hopes to improve urban areas with Atlantic triangular trade initiative
WASHINGTON D.C. – United States Housing and Urban Development Secretary, Ben Carson announced a new plan to bring work to US cities based on an influx of unpaid “immigrants”. “This country …
Thunder Bay transit opens single subway station
THUNDER BAY, ON – Transit advocates and city residents celebrated the grand opening of the city of Thunder Bay’s first and only subway station today, located on Memorial Ave. near the Inter…
Breaking: Yes you did forget to lock your front door, idiot
SIX BLOCKS FROM YOUR PLACE – Reports are confirming that the nagging feeling that you left your door unlocked is 100% correct and that people will soon be robbing the place blind you moron. “But …
