Honest Ed’s demolition crew rescues 3rd group of lost shoppers this week
TORONTO – crews tasked with clearing the enormous warehouse discount store Honest Ed’s have encountered its third contingent of roaming, disoriented shoppers since Wednesday. Foreman Jim Pe…
Local father really psyched about this year’s perennials
RICHMOND HILL, ON – Proud father of two and recreational horticulturist Jack Tierney says he is “beyond excited” for his perennials, set to bloom in late May. “The real showstopper is seein…
Sign of progress? Millennials, Boomers agree that Gen X is the worst
TORONTO – Finally some common ground! After years of arguing about who really screwed things up, baby boomers and millennials were able to come together in order to proclaim that Gen Xers c…
Canadian journalists’ “Appropriation Prize” aims to represent marginalized cultures the way white people imagine them
TORONTO — Several high-profile Canadian journalists pledged money on Thursday night toward an “Appropriation Prize” that would reward white, middle-class journalists for writing about margi…
Sens shipping in fans from other teams to fill vacant seats
OTTAWA – After the team’s poorly attended playoffs series against the New York Rangers, the GM of the Ottawa Senators will be bussing in fans of other teams to fill seats in the Canadian T…
How to Get Invited to a Cottage
Only one week left to get that invite!…
University revolutionary pretty sure intelligentsia won’t get purged this time
TORONTO – Two years into his undergraduate degree, local student Sam Taylor is convinced he won’t be one of the ones put up against the wall when the revolution comes. “No, I’m on the Peopl…
Tim Hortons celebrates Canada 150 by replacing Double-Double with Sesquicentuple-Sesquicentuple
OAKVILLE, ON – In celebration of Canada’s 150th birthday, Canada’s favourite coffee chain will replace their world famous Double-Doubles with Sesquicentuple-Sesquicentuples for a limited ti…
Friend who insists people shouldn’t use soap smells like shit
VANCOUVER – Local friend and long-board enthusiast Zach Guentzel is on a mission to raise awareness that soap and other personal hygiene products are but ruses invented by Big Business to t…
New Air Canada plan allows passengers to collect points every time they’re abandoned at an airport
MONTREAL – Air Canada’s new loyalty program will allow passengers to collect 100 points every time they’re bumped from a flight and abandoned overnight at an airport. The Montreal-bas…
