CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA – Snowflakes throughout the American south are once again up in arms, after Charlottesville city council passed a unanimous vote to remove the city’s statue of confederate general Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson, a participation trophy awarded for Jackson’s failed attempt at winning the Civil War.
Just weeks after the city became a flashpoint of controversy for voting to take down the large bronze pat on the head it once awarded to second-place general Robert E. Lee, southern snowflakes and crybabies (and northern conservative virtue-signallers) are once again experiencing mass triggering over the planned removal of Jackson’s statue, erected In Charlottesville’s Emancipation Park as a reward for doing his best.
“Credit where credit’s due, Jackson made a great effort in the Civil War. He fought really hard in that war and gave it 110 percent, often at a severe tactical disadvantage,” explained Mayor Mike Signer. “But let’s be real… he didn’t win. In fact, he was accidentally shot by his own side and died of pneumonia, which a decidedly non-winner move. But somewhere along the line, people decided that everybody should get a statue just for being in a war.”
“And of course, that just leads to a generation of whiny, entitled white nationalists, who think slave owners who go to war with their own nation deserve a prize just for showing up,” added Signer. “Honestly, it’s no wonder these guys can’t even make their own torches anymore. They’ve been taught that it’s okay not to try.”
While the majority of the snowflakes are like, “muh heritage,” many Charlottesville residents reject the argument that the monument is crucial to the preservation of Confederate history. “When I was 10, I was on a softball team,” said local contractor Andre Wright. “Near the end of the season our coach said that if we won this one really big game, he’d take us all to Pizza Hut. But we didn’t win the game, so we didn’t go.”
“It was a drag, but not going to Pizza Hut didn’t erase me from history, and people still knew who I was,” he explained. “Anyway, I feel like the same lessons apply here, except Pizza Hut is statues and softball is treason.”
While neither Jackson or Lee’s statues can be immediately removed due to pending lawsuits, council says they’re confident the work can be completed quickly once the wahmbulance rolls out of town.