Trump clarifies abortion stance as “whatever will convince you, personally, to vote for me”

PALM BEACH, FL – In a video statement taped at his Mar-a-Lago country club, former President Trump assured voters that his firmly held stance on abortion is also whatever stance will create…

Bats announce plans to fuck shit up during eclipse

OTTAWA – With Monday afternoon’s eclipse expected to occur mid-afternoon, bats from across the continent have announced that they will “fucking just go bananas” during the…

NHL player declared legally dead before trade deadline expects to be ready for Playoffs

LAS VEGAS – Golden Knights player Connor Holmdenberg has announced he will be ready to play in Game 1 of the upcoming Stanley Cup Playoffs, despite the fact that he (and his 6.7 million dol…

Ford doubles down on refusal to build fourplexes until someone explains to him what they are

VAUGHAN – After Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced on Tuesday that he would give an additional six billion dollars to the provinces for housing as long as they allow fourplexes to be b…

Carry-on luggage needs its own ticket says airlines

Pearson Airport, Toronto – In a recent announcement, the cash-strapped airline industry has announced that every bag will require its own ticket. Instead of overhead bins, retrofitted plane…

Trudeau plan: rent will count towards credit score for houses that renters still can’t afford

OTTAWA – A new proposal from Justin Trudeau’s Liberals would allow renters to include rental payments when calculating credit scores, while bidding on houses that they remain hopeless…

Passion play using distractingly hot Christ

OTTAWA – The passion play produced by Ottawa’s St. Francis Xavier Church has drawn attention and controversy this year by crucifying a total stud, according to aroused sources. “Dang, I see our L…

Amazing! Bald eagles seen living in Toronto with zero roommates!

TORONTO – Local naturalists received a miraculous surprise last week after a pair of bald eagles were seen building a nest in Toronto, with zero evidence of having an unrelated roommate to …

Sam Bankman-Fried’s cellmate sentenced to 25 years stuck with guy who won’t shut up about crypto

NEW YORK – Following the collapse of notorious online financial exchange site FTX, the future cellmate of finance mogul Sam Bankman-Fried was sentenced to 25 years stuck in a cell next to a…

Liberals plan eco-friendly burial for carbon tax

OTTAWA – With the carbon tax expected to soon meet its demise in Parliament, the Liberal party is planning an environmentally friendly burial for the departed bill. “We’re going to ma…