Farmer’s Knee’s Almanac predicts storm a-comin’, big one, too
ESSA — The Farmer’s Knee’s Almanac unveiled their prediction today that a big ol’ storm was liable to be coming into town. The long-running publication, edited by Gerald &…
Induction of Steve Nash into Basketball Hall of Fame inspires Canadians to also come up short of ultimate goal
SPRINGFIELD, MASSACHUSETTS – This Friday, Canadian basketball icon Steve Nash will be enshrined in the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame and the honour has inspired hundreds of Nash’s countr…
BREAKING: 12 hours later, man realizes praise was sarcastic
DUNDAS, ON – A full half-day after the fact, local data entry technician Kyle Hood has locked himself in his car after realizing that the praise he received from his boss and co-workers had…
Campfire smell lingers into third day
PETERBOROUGH, ON – The distinct smell of charcoal and woodsmoke continues to linger around an Ontario family three full days after returning from a weekend camping trip. “I didn’t mind the …
“Possible hate crime” definitely actual hate crime
KINGSTON, ON — Police are investigating an incident outside a Walmart in Kingston that they have described as a “possible hate crime” despite it definitely being a real, actual hate crime. “It wa…
ByWard Bear incident exceeds Ottawa’s annual excitement quota
OTTAWA — Following the tranquilization and removal of a bear roaming around Ottawa’s ByWard Market neighbourhood, the City of Ottawa announced that it has exceeded its excitement quota for …
Tech company unveils universal charging cable that won’t fit any device
PALO ALTO — An exciting new product was revealed today that its creator claims will change the world by bringing people together “in global frustration.” “Finally we have …
OPINION: I am part of the Resistance inside the Galactic Empire
By: Anonymous (note: The Beaverton is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior Commander on the Death Star whose identit…
Shocking new book suggests Trump bad
WASHINGTON D.C. – An explosive new book exploded onto the political scene yesterday morning by suggesting that former U.S. President Donald Trump is not good but rather, quite bad. “The aut…
Munk Debates: Steve Bannon and David Frum to debate whether hate crimes are better than war crimes
TORONTO – The Aurea Foundation has announced that former Breitbart chairman Steve Bannon and George W. Bush speechwriter David Frum will headline the Munk Debates this year, finally settlin…
