Toronto City Councillors mark judge’s ruling with celebratory squabble
TORONTO – A majority of Toronto’s City Councillors are celebrating a judge’s ruling against the Ford government’s decision to axe nearly half of municipal representatives by arguing over th…
“James Bond can’t be black,” says man who believes Jesus was white
BROSSARD, QC – Amidst ongoing speculation over who will be cast as the titular character in the next James Bond film, one local man has offered his take on the issue by suggesting that Mr. …
Study: sitting is the new smoking, and lying down is the new getting addicted to heroin
VANCOUVER – A new study released from UBC Medical School has confirmed the long held suspicion that sitting for extended periods of time is just as harmful as smoking a pack a day, and adde…
Man who will not be deported if he fails CAQ’s proposed values test finds Quebec election boring
MONTREAL – A local man who will be unaffected by Francois Legault’s CAQ’s proposal to remove immigrants from Quebec for failing an arbitrary values test has called the provincial election “…
Girlfriend’s relative thinks they can add you on Facebook just like that
HOME – In an act of what can only be described as massive presumption, Sheila de Souza, 53, a person that your girlfriend has confirmed is a member of her family, has sent you a friend requ…
Farmer’s Knee’s Almanac predicts storm a-comin’, big one, too
ESSA — The Farmer’s Knee’s Almanac unveiled their prediction today that a big ol’ storm was liable to be coming into town. The long-running publication, edited by Gerald &…
Induction of Steve Nash into Basketball Hall of Fame inspires Canadians to also come up short of ultimate goal
SPRINGFIELD, MASSACHUSETTS – This Friday, Canadian basketball icon Steve Nash will be enshrined in the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame and the honour has inspired hundreds of Nash’s countr…
BREAKING: 12 hours later, man realizes praise was sarcastic
DUNDAS, ON – A full half-day after the fact, local data entry technician Kyle Hood has locked himself in his car after realizing that the praise he received from his boss and co-workers had…
Campfire smell lingers into third day
PETERBOROUGH, ON – The distinct smell of charcoal and woodsmoke continues to linger around an Ontario family three full days after returning from a weekend camping trip. “I didn’t mind the …
“Possible hate crime” definitely actual hate crime
KINGSTON, ON — Police are investigating an incident outside a Walmart in Kingston that they have described as a “possible hate crime” despite it definitely being a real, actual hate crime. “It wa…
