Ontario’s financial plan revealed to be stack of lotto tickets

TORONTO – Concerns about the budgeting focus of Ontario’s PC government were brought to the forefront again this morning, when it was revealed that the province’s financial plan consists la…

Editorial: I hate cannabis but I love dangerous speculative investing. What am I to do?

I despise marijuana. While the rest of Canada has decided to succumb to reefer madness, I still hold true to what I was taught in my health lessons at school and numerous all-star cartoon special…

Nation’s women ready to start the five stages of grief again tomorrow

OTTAWA – After processing the denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance of the violence they faced today, women across Canada have gone to bed prepared to grieve the inevitable …

9 out of 10 boyfriends wearing shirts they just found somewhere they can’t remember

MONTREAL — In a study done by Concordia University, it has officially been proven that 9 out of 10 boyfriends’ shirts come from somewhere that no boyfriend can remember. Following years of …

QUIZ: Are you a good writer or do you just employ ostentatious adjectives liberally?

Chances are if you possess the literacy skills to read the following questions, you’ve also probably thrown together some letters to forms words in sentences to express your thoughts. Perchance a…

BREAKING: Whoever getting on elevator at 2nd floor better be on fucking crutches

EDMONTON – Slowing down just a bit too early to already be at the ground floor, sources inside a local apartment building elevator report this morning that the person who called the elevato…

Norm Kelly’s Twitter account revealed to be run by rapping cartoon dog

TORONTO – Ending years of speculation, he ghostwriter behind Toronto city councillor Norm Kelly’s wildly popular Twitter account, @Norm, was revealed earlier today to be local rapping carto…

Republicans praise thoroughness of blank piece of paper with “Kavanaugh FBI Investigation” written on it

WASHINGTON D.C. — Senators Flake, Collins, and the rest of the GOP are praising the FBI’s report on their investigation into Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, which consists entirely o…

Edmonton hockey fans counting down the days until Oilers are mathematically eliminated from playoffs

EDMONTON — As the Oilers took the ice for their final exhibition game Saturday night, Jeff Kawchuk and Doug Mason stood behind the end boards beaming like kids on Christmas Eve. “175 days,”…

Don Cherry woken from cryosleep as NHL season kicks off

TORONTO – As puck drop on the 2018-2019 NHL season approaches, and the first Hockey Night in Canada only days away, CBC employees completed their annual duty of waking Don Cherry from the c…