Dry January to be wettest on record
Vancouver, BC — Following a wave of high-pressure this week, meteorologists predict Dry January will be the wettest on record. Up until Tuesday, leading meteorologists predicted that January woul…
False alarm: Employee responsible for pressing wrong button for alert resumes pressing wrong buttons at nuclear plant
PICKERING, ON – Officials at Ontario Power Generation explained that the employee responsible for this morning’s false alarm about an incident at the Pickering nuclear power generating stat…
Vancouver Police Department preemptively apologizes for all of the racist incidents it will be involved in this year
VANCOUVER – In the interests of efficiency, the Vancouver Police Department has decided to start the new year by apologizing for all of the hundreds of racist interactions they will have wi…
9-year-old college prodigy wins third consecutive game of beer pong
LONDON, ON – Gabriel Thompson, the 9 year-old child genius who made waves by being admitted into Major Biology and Mathematics program at Western, is reportedly kicking ass at a game of bee…
Angry tweet at TTC fixes decades of underfunding
TORONTO, ON — After a twitter user wrote “@TTCHelps 8 minute wait for the subway, why do MY tax dollars go towards such a lazy incompetent organization?”, years of problems caused by …
How to keep your New Year’s Resolutions by modifying them every day
The new year is upon us, and it’s time to make a plan for keeping all those resolutions! Whether your plan was to eat better, read more, quit a bad habit or pursue a professional goal, a surefire…
Study finds that just having 5 fucking minutes to yourself outweighs all the negative effects of smoking
VANCOUVER – A study done at the University of British Columbia has found that the negative effects of smoking are completely outweighed by the benefits of just having five fucking minutes t…
New Museum exhibit shows what it would be like to see a T-Rex and a Velociraptor fuck
REGINA —- A stunning new exhibit at Saskatchewan’s Museum of Natural History has found a way to reinvigorate interest in science and delight visitors by showing them how it would look if a T-Rex …
Tories hopeful they will find ordinary, down-to-earth leader with a spare $300,000 to spend on entry fee
OTTAWA – A poll of Conservative Party members has indicated that a strong majority want a commoner relatable to all Canadians who can easily dish out $300,000 deposit for a leadership entry…
