ATLANTA, GA – A 2017 infographic issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention re-emerged this week with facial hair grooming tips in light of the coronavirus outbreak, leaving men across the nation devoid of a personality.
“I’ve had this thick lush beard for the past 8 years and I’ll be damned if some shit-ass respiratory virus takes it away from me,” said 33 year-old Matt Zonjic while waterboarding himself with an IPA. “Without my beard, how would anyone know I really like music, like more so than the average person, or that I only drink good coffee. Not to mention all of my flannel would be completely useless.”
Amid growing global fears of the COVID-19, the use of face masks in public has risen however many facial hair styles prevent the masks from sitting flush on the face. Thousands of men across the nation fear that a loss of facial hair, will result in a loss of identity.
“When people ask me to tell them a little about myself I say ‘Man with beard,’ and that pretty much sums up my whole thing,” grunted software engineer Arjun Cooke. “I guess I could pivot to ‘Man who posts videos of himself rock climbing’ or ‘Man who likes hot sauces’ but that doesn’t feel like me.”
“When I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize who I am anymore,” sighed digital content specialist Jorge Nunez while clutching his YETI tumbler. “I miss seeing the cute little bits of red in my beard, without it, I’m no longer a ‘creative professional,’ I’m just a regular ol’ ‘professional.’”
The CDC recommends that if individuals wish to maintain facial hair they may choose from a clean-shaven face, soul patch, and various moustaches styles.
“I know I post to a lot of incendiary private subreddits but I think a Hitler stache is a step too far,” said sports journalist Theo Wagner after snorting a line of preworkout.
Many global health agencies suggest that the best practice to prevent the spread of germs isn’t through the use of face masks but through diligent hand washing, to which the general population responded with a collective “fuck no.”