“Might as well, I’m on vacation,” says local man as he drinks from puddle of radioactive waste

PICKERING, ON – Onlookers watched in fascination and horror today as Alexander Landau, a fifth grade teacher from Saskatoon, drank radioactive liquid from a puddle near Canada’s oldest nucl…

“You think you got problems, buddy?” sobs Scheer drunk on milk to bar patron

OTTAWA – A sad scene unfolded at an Ottawa bar as Andrew Scheer succumbed to the anxiety of an uncertain future as Conservative Party Leader drinking far too many dairy beverages. “Oh, your…

Old hummus containers at the back of fridge form union

HALIFAX — Earlier today, following years of unrest and maltreatment, the old hummus containers at the back of Emily Cooper’s fridge officially announced the formation of a union, Very Old H…

Details of Brian’s keto diet endured by all

CALGARY – For the past six months, resident know-it-all and general dud, Brian Thomson has forced every exhausting detail of his new keto diet on his innocent co-workers, friends, and famil…

Liberals deny newly created ministry is just political sloganism, says Minister of Getting ‘Er Done has clear mandate

OTTAWA – Despite the controversy surrounding its creation, the Liberals are adamant that a new ministry devoted to getting ‘er done is necessary and not a cynical and transparent attempt to…

Conservatives hoping to find leader that might finally appeal to Alberta

OTTAWA – After failing to win government, many in the Conservative party are wondering whether they should replace Erin O’Toole with a leader that will really shore up support in Albe…

Bill Peters asks Calgary GM to forward apology to black player if he gets the chance

CALGARY – Calgary Flames coach Bill Peters has asked the team’s GM to forward his apology letter to the black player he racially taunted and put down while he was a coach in the minor leagu…

No one more excited for your divorce than also divorced Julie from finance

ST. CATHARINES, ONT – Following the announcement that Alison Hampstead and her husband of six years have decided to end their marriage, Julie Holloman, who works in the finance department, has se…

Trump pardons serial killer Son of Sam after learning about his military service

WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has issued a presidential pardon to the notorious serial killer Son of Sam after Trump discovered the murderer served for three years in the United St…

Sport that definitely doesn’t have a racism problem suffers second racism scandal of month

CALGARY – Hockey, a sport that everyone agrees has absolutely no problem with racism and if you say otherwise you are a social justice warrior trying to stir up trouble, is currently being …