Dictator frees Venezuela from dictator
CARACAS, VENEZUELA ― In a stunning shift after over a decade of dictatorial rule, the government of Venezuela fell this weekend to a new, slightly different dictator. Following his autocratic ove…
Chrystia Freeland’s first act as Ukrainian economic advisor is suggesting they cancel Disney+
OTTAWA – After accepting a role as economic advisor to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Canadian MP Chrystia Freeland has begun by suggesting citizens of the war-ravaged country can…
Canadian alcoholics reject Kentucky bourbon for getting drunk at work
OTTAWA – With millions returning to work after the holidays, Kentucky bourbon is out and Canadian spirits are in as the choice for Canada’s alcoholics who cannot help but drink on the…
Michelin restaurant food poisoning offers 10-course vomit experience
Toronto ON – Michelin restaurant, Aluris 2090, is proudly serving a food poisoning experience that creates a 10-course vomit experience. Aluris 2090 was awarded its first Michelin Star this…
Poilievre lights emergency flares to beg Trump to invade Canada
OTTAWA – Canadian Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre was reportedly seen lighting emergency flares, in hopes that U.S. President Donald Trump would “liberate” Canada in the same…
Mark Carney turns off geolocation on phone just in case
OTTAWA – This morning, in an unscheduled press statement, the Prime Minister’s Office has said that Prime Minister Mark Carney has turned off geolocation services for all his electron…
Grand piano just okay
WATERLOO, ON – A local allegedly grand piano has been revealed to just be fine. Owner Marsha Jameson made the discovery this past week after sitting down to play the instrument for her first time…
Carney promises 2026 will see huge economic growth that will absolutely not include you
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has vowed that 2026 will see huge economic growth for Canada’s GDP, manufacturing, and exports, none of which will redound to you in the slightest.…
Chaperone at Satanist school dance reminds students to leave space for Lucifer
VANCOUVER – Students attending the Unholiday Dance at Our Lady of Infernal Evil’s Satanist School have just been reminded by a volunteer chaperone to “Leave space for Lucifer” while slow da…
Bagel Bites continue to outsell Bagel Chewed
Miami Florida- This morning the Kraft Heinz Corporation, who produce the beloved snack Bagel Bites announced that they will be discontinuing the deeply unpopular alternative, Bagel Chewed. Bagel…
