Polio, Bubonic Plague, Smallpox compete to see who can re-establish themselves in Canada next
MEDICINE HAT, AB – With the announcement that Canada has officially lost its measles elimination status, Canadians have begun taking sides on which other formerly endemic diseases they want…
Breaking: Wife finishes cup of coffee
Drumheller, AB – While clearing the table one morning, local husband Vince Hefflund was shocked to discover that the coffee mug his wife had been drinking from was empty. “I’ve never seen anythi…
Toronto Sun responds to journalist celebrating ICE murder by promoting him to CEO
TORONTO – After Toronto Sun journalist Bryan Passifiume wrote a controversial post on X celebrating the murder of Renee Nicole Good by ICE, the Sun’s Editor-in-Chief responded to the backla…
Alberta organizes banned book buyback to keep streets safe
EDMONTON – As part of Alberta’s efforts to prevent minors from viewing books with sexual content, the province has announced a buyback of all restricted and challenging literature. “From A Handm…
Furious Trump demands to know why Minneapolis shooting hasn’t sparked civil war yet
MAR-A-LAGO, FL – Following the shooting death of a Minneapolis woman at the hands of ICE agents, President Donald Trump is ordering Americans to “hurry the fuck up” descending i…
Elon Musk achieves dream of automating child sex abuse
AUSTIN, TX – World’s richest man Elon Musk has achieved another lifelong milestone goal, this time training his artificial intelligence program Grok to make it easier than ever for us…
ICE agent who shot, killed Minneapolis woman to face jealousy of other ICE agents
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — While details surrounding the shooting death of Renee Nicole Good, 37, in Minneapolis yesterday are still emerging, one fact is certain: the ICE agent who pulled the trigger wil…
Local man hears himself say “At least Bush had the decency to lie about his Oil Wars.”
“Say what you want about Bush-Cheney, but they put some effort into tricking us.” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Clare Blackwood and Nile Seguin) dive into the chaos and confusion…
Workplace bathroom spray in losing battle
BURLINGTON, ON – In what no one would describe as a remotely close fight, the vanilla-scented air freshener in the second-floor women’s bathroom of a local office building is accepting defeat. Af…
Sydney Sweeney getting very annoyed by endless stories about this Sydney Sweeney person
Los Angeles, CA – Actress Sydney Sweeney has reported that she is very tired of hearing stories about whoever this Sydney Sweeney person is. “I’ll be honest, I never watched Euphoria,” stat…
