Legault resigns to spend more time privately hounding minorities
QUEBEC CITY – Quebec Premier François Legault announced his resignation today, explaining that he plans to bring his famed enthusiasm for attacking basic human rights to the private sector.…
Snowbirds struggle to find sun destination not being invaded by the US
Cornwall, Prince Edward Island – Terry and Linda Haddad say their annual New Year’s tradition of booking a sale on an all inclusive resort was hampered this year when they woke up to news t…
White House insists ICE shooter had passed mandatory escalation training
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the death of Minneapolis resident Renee Nicole Good, Trump Administration officials are unanimously insisting the officer who shot her had completed his routine …
Barbershop customer a little worried after seeing huge chunk of ear hit floor
CALGARY – According to sources embedded in downtown barbershop Close Shave, Dennis Elrich is worried his cut hasn’t gone as planned after he spotted a big, sloppy chunk of his right ear hit the f…
Polio, Bubonic Plague, Smallpox compete to see who can re-establish themselves in Canada next
MEDICINE HAT, AB – With the announcement that Canada has officially lost its measles elimination status, Canadians have begun taking sides on which other formerly endemic diseases they want…
Breaking: Wife finishes cup of coffee
Drumheller, AB – While clearing the table one morning, local husband Vince Hefflund was shocked to discover that the coffee mug his wife had been drinking from was empty. “I’ve never seen anythi…
Toronto Sun responds to journalist celebrating ICE murder by promoting him to CEO
TORONTO – After Toronto Sun journalist Bryan Passifiume wrote a controversial post on X celebrating the murder of Renee Nicole Good by ICE, the Sun’s Editor-in-Chief responded to the backla…
Alberta organizes banned book buyback to keep streets safe
EDMONTON – As part of Alberta’s efforts to prevent minors from viewing books with sexual content, the province has announced a buyback of all restricted and challenging literature. “From A Handm…
Furious Trump demands to know why Minneapolis shooting hasn’t sparked civil war yet
MAR-A-LAGO, FL – Following the shooting death of a Minneapolis woman at the hands of ICE agents, President Donald Trump is ordering Americans to “hurry the fuck up” descending i…
Elon Musk achieves dream of automating child sex abuse
AUSTIN, TX – World’s richest man Elon Musk has achieved another lifelong milestone goal, this time training his artificial intelligence program Grok to make it easier than ever for us…
