“Fuck it, put four dolphins on the cover” says exhausted textbook publisher

TORONTO – After struggling to find an appropriate visual representation of calculus that carried any sort of positive connotation, an exhausted textbook publisher finally gave up, throwing …

Kawhi celebrates return to Toronto by visiting his favourite H&R Block

TORONTO – Several months after leading the Raptors to their first NBA title Kawhi Leonard has returned to Toronto, so naturally has marked his return to the city by spending the afternoon a…

Public scandalized by city councillor’s request to be paid as much as camp counselor

OTTER LAKES, B.C. – After a city councillor in the small but growing B.C. community of Otter Lakes (pop. 100000) asked to be paid the same full-time salary as the town’s summer camp counsel…

Uncle launches full-scale investigation into where vegan nephew gets their protein

Peterborough, ON – Local uncle Jim Layton has begun a wide-ranging investigation after his nephew, Skylar Layton, has revealed he has been a vegan for two years yet is still able to live. “…

Liberals to finally repeal law requiring nation’s mothers to call us every time someone they know gets cancer

OTTAWA – The Liberal Party announced today that they will finally move forward to repeal the ‘Have You Heard About’ Law, which requires every Canadian mother to immediately phon…

102 years after Halifax Explosion, Dartmouth still waiting for reconstruction

DARTMOUTH, NS – More than a century after a devastating explosion rocked Halifax and the surrounding area, one city is still waiting for relief: Dartmouth. The city of 65,000 survivors and …

Public advised of aggressive panhandler from Alberta who will probably just spend money on corporate tax cuts

OTTAWA – Police are advising the Canadian public to stay away from an aggressive panhandler from Alberta asking for billions and blocking any forward progress if his demands are not met. Th…

“Kids just don’t play like they used to” says dead body down by the quarry

BOBCAYGEON, ON — On a grey November morn down by a not often trodden down path near a quarry it has been reported by Phil Douglass, deceased January 10, 1996, that children “just don’…

Duvet sensuously slinks away from corner of duvet cover

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Fighting dirty, Andrew Scheer refuses to give Tories who don’t support him any of his homemade fudge

OTTAWA – Taking a stand against Conservatives who have called on him to stand down as leader, Andrew Scheer has been going to party meetings around the country with a tray of homemade fudge…