YOUR BATHROOM – In the midst of a nationwide quarantine prompting citizens all over Canada to self-isolate, your shower just wanted to let you know that it was curious if it was ever going to see you again.
“Look, I don’t want to pry into your personal hygiene or make you uncomfortable,” the shower said, gazing down at the depressingly barren tub below. “But it’s now been over a week since we’ve spent any time together. I’m getting worried about you. And, if I’m being honest, I’m feeling a bit abandoned. We’ve always had such a good two-way relationship, and now I feel like you don’t care about me anymore.”
The shower made a point of noting that it only knew you were alive in the first place because it heard the songs you are constantly singing to your cat in the living room. It also brought up the fact that you haven’t changed out of the same pair of sweatpants the entire time you’ve been quarantined.
“I understand from overhearing your phone calls that you are choosing to sequester yourself at home for the good of the world, and I really applaud your efforts,” the shower continued, mournfully swinging a loofah hanging from its nozzle. “But seriously, have you no self-respect? Does this lifestyle not bother you? Can you not smell yourself?”
Despite your newfound neglect, the shower just wanted to make it very clear that it is a safe space for you to return to.
“You can come back to me whenever you’re ready. I miss our sexy times together. And the times when we would both cry, but you couldn’t tell because there was already water everywhere. God, I’m fogging up just thinking about it.”
At press time, your shower was contemplating calling your therapist.