Indebted Bombardier sells off its politicians

MONTREAL – Bombardier Inc announced today that it will be selling a portion of its MPs, MNAs, and local politicians to help cover its $9.3 billion debt. “We have a large amount of infrastru…

Biden intends to die as he lived; thwarting universal healthcare

Wilmington, Delaware – At a campaign event former Vice President Joe Biden re-affirmed that despite his old age he would keep fighting for the one thing he believed in, that unlike all othe…

New Ontario license plates passed rigorous testing by drug dealers in unlit parking lot

TORONTO – The Ontario Minister of Government Services Lisa Thompson responded to critics of the new unreadable Ontario license plate by saying that they were rigorously tested at the Queens…

TTC unveils new elite fare enforcement SWAT team

TORONTO – As part of the war against fare evaders the TTC unveiled its new elite unit of fare enforcers. “Each member of our unit, codenamed the Red Rocket Berets, has extensive train…

Frustrated CN execs complain blockades have delayed dozens of oil tanker derailments

SASKATOON – Executives at CN have demanded the federal government take immediate action against protesters so it can resume derailing oil tankers. The train-wreck industry, a vital componen…

Potential employer failing to grasp how rad face tattoo is

LANGLEY, BC — Gerald Dyna has been passed over for a fleet associate position at Hertz Rental after the store manager could not grasp just how cool it was that he had a spider permanently d…

Trudeau: We must acknowledge the sacred sovereignty of Canada’s oil and gas companies

OTTAWA – Calling for calm amid protests over the construction of a pipeline through Wet’suwet’en territory, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is reminding Canadians of the sacred an…

Trump announces book about impeachment process titled, “If I Did Those 240 Things”

WASHINGTON D.C. — In the tradition of OJ Simpson’s tell-all book “If I Did It,” Donald Trump recently announced he will release a memoir detailing his impeachment process titled, “If I Did …

Local child realizes Dad unable to beat up any other dads

WINDSOR, ON – Local 4th grader Tommy Watson has come to realize that, despite his previous boasting, his father James is the weakest dad in town and would stand little chance in confrontati…

Indigenous Services Minister generously offers to have a beer with protesters after they get out of jail

OTTAWA – As an olive branch from the Trudeau government to the Indigenous groups showing solidarity with the Wet’suwet’en hereditary chiefs by blocking some of Canada’s busiest railways, In…