Yukon exposed to 2 cases of assholes

WHITEHORSE – The territorial government of Yukon has announced people in Whitehorse, and the Beaver Creek area may have been exposed to 2 cases of asshole. The confirmed cases, who used the…

Local man’s hand lotion unable to be placed anywhere without implying that’s where he jerks it

KAMLOOPS, BC – After Ian McKean purchased a 600 ml bottle of cocoa butter lotion, he has been unable to find a location in his apartment to put it that doesn’t suggest that’s where he furio…

New Harry Potter TV show will only go ahead if J.K. Rowling can personally inspect the genitals of everyone involved

LOS ANGELES – A new live-action Harry Potter television show is reportedly in very early development at HBO Max, and while no producers, directors, writers or actors have yet been attached,…

Trudeau: If Liberals vetted people before giving them powerful jobs, I’d never have become Prime Minister

OTTAWA – Under fire for not properly vetting Julie Payette before selecting her as Canada’s Governor General, Justin Trudeau pointed out today that too much vetting can actually be a …

“You’re not like other girls,” says man exactly like all other men

LONDON, ON — A local man indistinguishable from any other man wants the woman he just met to know that she’s “not like other girls.” Adam Adamson, 29, discovered the “girl” in question last…

Gary Bettman announces Kraft Hockeyville winner will go to a town in US Southwest instead

NEW YORK – NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has announced that the next winner of the Kraft Hockeyville competition will go to a town in Arizona, Nevada, or New Mexico instead of a small Canad…

Trudeau announces construction of vaccine pipeline through Indigenous territory

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau confirmed at a press conference this week that the vaccine will be distributed to Canadians via one massive pipeline that snakes its way through every piece…

Kenney appears in neck brace accusing Biden of pipeline-related injuries

EDMONTON – Appearing outside a courthouse with his injury lawyer, Alberta Premier Jason Kenney is suing US President Joe Biden for physical and emotional injuries caused in the revocation o…

Jason Kenney demands U.S. compensate Alberta for being led by Jason Kenney

EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney is insisting that after Jason Kenney lost billions investing in the Keystone XL pipeline which President Joe Biden has cancelled, the U.S. government…

Quebec curfew aimed at new vampire strain of COVID that only comes out at night

QUEBEC CITY, QC – Facing criticism of the recent province-wide curfew, Quebec health officials have revealed the precaution is intended to shield the population from a recently discovered v…