QUEEN’S PARK – In the wake of cuts to higher education loans, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has encouraged students “not to pick basket-weaving courses”, and instead to follow his ...
Jamil Jivani’s plan to neg Canadians into making him PM off to rocky start
“You pussies wouldn’t have the guts to make me the most powerful man in the country.” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Clare Blackwood and special guest Rachel Gilmore) talk about ...
U.S. legal scholars baffled as Prince Andrew arrested for Epstein ties, Korean president sentenced for insurrection
WASHINGTON, D.C. – America’s top legal minds have reported utter bafflement at the news that former prince Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested by U.K. police due to his connections with Jeff...
28-year-old really enjoying early twenties
Miramichi, NB – Navigating adulthood can be challenging, but for 28-year-old Shawn Walker, life in his early twenties couldn’t be better. “I wasn’t sure about this new life stage at first,” said Walke...
Matt Jeneroux leaves Conservative party after being too intimidated by Poilievre’s workout regime
OTTAWA – In another parliamentary upset for Pierre Poilievre’s Conservatives, Edmonton MP Matt Jeneroux crossed the floor to the Liberals this morning after revealing that he was too intimidated...
Canada invokes NATO Article 5 against Sweden following Olympic curling conflict
NORTH SEA – Following a dispute at the 2026 Winter Olympics in which the Swedish team accused Canadian players of cheating, Prime Minister Mark Carney has mobilized the whole of the Canadian mil...
Metrolinx hires elderly woman after watching her take 30 minutes to cross the street
Toronto, ON – Metrolinx has responded to criticism of its project speed by adding Nancy Callahan to their team after her inspiring 30 minute walk across an intersection. “Just look at her go,” e...
Trump sends well-wishes to Today host’s kidnapped mother after confirming she not in ICE detention
WASHINGTON D.C. – US President Donald Trump offered warm wishes to the family of Nancy Guthrie, the mother of Today Show host Savannah Guthrie, after confirming that her kidnapping earlier this ...
Trump threatens more attacks on Nigeria unless their prince returns his money
WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump recently took to his Truth Social media platform to warn Nigeria that it will be targeted with more airstrikes, unless “Prince Adewale Oluewesan ret...
Doubles Luge canceled as Olympics runs out of condoms
CORTINA, ITALY — Following the news that the 2026 Milano Cortina Winter Olympics had run out of condoms, the International Olympic Committee was forced to call off the doubles luge event. “Today is a ...
